Springfield,MA-Mrs. Fingerburger's kindergarten class held a news conference yesterday afternoon to announce their critical health and dietary finding. It has been called nothing short of revolutionary for the fields of medicine, nutrition, and child development. Tommy Santosandgina, kindergarten class representative, announced proudly the findings that "candy and ice queem(sic.) are necessary parts of a healthy balanced diet." These results rock the traditional nutritionist views that high caloric and high fat foods may cause health problems including diabetus and obesity. "After our academic year long study we have found that having candy, or ice cream at weast free(sic.) to five time a day, boosts energy and a-cadamic(Sic.) performance for at least five minutes after eating."
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| Children receive energy from health food like ice cream. |
The new study also indicated that students who ate a breakfast including marshmallows or frosted cereal (or any cereal with a cartoon mascot) performed better academically. Also, the same students threw bouncy red balls much faster than kids who had to eat regular cereal. Tommy also noted that broccoli was found to be "very poisonous and should be avoided or fed to the dog under the table, if available."
Researchers disagree as to how this may effect nutrition habits in the near future because many parents traditionally think of these foods as 'junk food' or unhealthy. Nutritionist Nigel J. Happenstance said "this study completely redesigns the food pyramid model with the four new food elements to a healthy diet being: Candy, Ice Cream, Video Games and a Barbie Dream House. Traditional science doesn't even acknowledge the latter two as food. Clearly, we have much to learn."
The Surgeon General for the United States and the Unnamed Domain of His Eminence called for a complete retooling of school lunch programs. More information will be made available soon on the official Surgeon Generals website:
http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/.
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