Libertyville, IL - The nations third largest manufacture of consumer products has released a new technology that will revolutionize communication. Motorola Mobility announced Tuesday that the new feature called "UCallHome" will change the way you make voice calls to your parents. The technology uses enhanced digital signal processing to mask and sometimes completely eliminate the sound of disappointment from your mother and father's voice.
Motorola CTO, and thankless son, Robuel Elderjist stated, "Lets face it, our customers are a complete disappointment to their parents in almost every way, really. We can't change that. But, with the new UCallHome feature we can at least soften the grating criticism and worried but self-serving undertone of the conversations between parents and their adult children." The technology takes the depressing and shameful electromagnetic signals that come from your parents, especially your mother, and uses patented technology to analyze the signal. The signal is then rated on a scale of reactionary presets from college expulsion to grandchild birth and is processed accordingly. "The genius of the new feature is its subtlety," said Elderjist, who still has not called is mother, even though she had a bad fall last week and hurt her shin, and had to go to the doctor, and she knows he knows about the fall because she left a message on his voice machine, "The actual words that your parents say are not altered. Only the whiny tone and warbled pleas are altered causing resentful statements to sound at worst dismissive and at best encouraging."
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Reaction to technology was originally skeptical. Early beta tester of the technology Rhonda McJohnston said "To be honest, the tech didn't work with my mother at first. It missed the nuanced racism of her undermining statements about how I will never find a good 'white' man if I didn't lose some weight. But after an update to the software that included the Sarcastic Undertone Engine v1.4, it locked on to my mothers speech patterns and we have been much closer since. I only dread visiting her in person now. I don't get physically ill when she calls and I've almost completely stopped calling my therapist after I talk to my mother."
At the press conference, several unconvinced reporters asked questions like "What if I call and ask for money?" and "Will thiths help if I need to, like, "come out" to my parenths?" In a surprise demonstration, Elderjist called up his long time assistant Mary P____ and had her call her conservative mid-western father and tell him that she was not in fact engaged but only sleeping with her short time boyfriend. To the audience's delight, the conversation goes over smoothy and ends politely. Applause from the disappointing sons and directionless and thankless daughters in attendance erupted.
After the announcement Motorola stock rose a respectable 10%, but that doesn't matter because you've never held a job long enough to even think about investing. And that's why you don't have a girlfriend because you are too irresponsible and whydon'tyoucallyourmothermore?
