One iPhone Per Indigent?

Cambridge, MA - Nicholas Negroponte announced a new plan today to introduce the less fortunate to the technology they need to connect to the world.“Today I would like to announce the creation of a new non-profit organization:One iPhone Per Indigent (OiPI).The OiPI represents the collaboration of Apple Computer, AT&T, the Corporation for Something Better and some people laid-off from Radio Shack.This program will provide free iPhones and cellular service to America's homeless population”These people have no food, no home, and tattered clothing.At least they should be able to check e-mail and update their Facebook status from the comfort of their human filth covered back alley."With a grin, Negroponte revealed the new OiPI iPhone which is a simplified and ruggedized version of the popular iPhone from Apple.

The personal communication device comes with hand crank charger, where 30 minutes of cranking will power the touch screen device for 3-5 minutes.“This device is water and urine proof and can withstand the weight of 700 aluminum cans piled on top of it.”Negroponte stated.He then described the pilot project in Tacoma, Washington where 300 randomly selected homeless persons were given these new iPhones.Local wino Stephen "the taint" Erikjorsen stated, after using the phone for several weeks:"The iPhone works ok but, I really wish it had the ability to cut and paste text...or give me a warm place to sleep and a meal that was not found in the garbage.Do you have any spare change?"

The OiPI program is not without controversy.Business Owner and Philanthropist Mitchum Wangre said, “I went to give this homeless guy a few dollars for breakfast and right as I was handing him the money his phone went off.He stopped me by putting a finger in the air and started talking to one of his homeless friends about some Twitter post from some guy called ”the taint”.I get that enough of that from my daughter”I don't need that from the lowest rung of society, too. Frack that guy” Also, former Rotary Club member Finkridge Elderjist stated “Giving homeless people cellular phones is just stupid.It makes me mad as hell that someone would do something so stupid.”

Negroponte is quick to point out that the program is not without many successes.He highlighted that, former game show host (and currently homeless) Markun Sphinian was able to Facebook the comment "spydurs" 78 times in a row while smearing his own feces on a newspaper and sticking it on a wall.“This is true multitasking at the lowest level of civilization.” Negroponte stated.“Also, don't forget about the economic benefit for all.Take Steve Balli...Banlie..Banilitfoto.He was homeless and didn't have a cent to his name.Then, Steve received a free iPhone from OiPI in March.Within 2 weeks he was running a pornographic website about pictures of woman's panties he had taken and uploaded with his iPhone.He made his first million 3 weeks later”and is considered one of the most creative, prolific, and vile pornographers in the industry.”Truly greatness can come from any social circle.

Success or failure, Negroponte says OiPI will be expanding the pilot project to nearby slums and ghettos and connecting them to the world.And, despite earlier reservations, will be offering a “buy one give one” program to help raise additional funding.

Editors Note:Steve Banilitfoto died of a self inflicted gunshot wound on May 15th.He survived by his wife Bonnie, his wife Gina, his wife Mercedes and his bitches Popo, Nunum, and Anus.


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I'm Mad as Hell and Can't Remember Why

Spokane, WA-Finkridge Elderjist is mad as hell. His only problem is, he can remember why. Elderjist is 82, and a former member of the Beckenhurst Rotary Club but, his anger, says Elderjist, "does not stem from his membership in said club. I think?" There are many things that bother him in this world: The price of gas, the war in Iraq, teenagers, people who drive to fast, people who drive to slow, etc. But these things 'really just annoy him.' No, Finkridge is mad for a very specific and personally offensive reason but is not sure what that reason is. "This young chap in a car almost ran me over last Thursday" said Elderjist "I got mad, but thats not it. I mean, I was a teen once. He was just in a hurry. No one got hurt." Elderjist is an active member of the local Republican Party but he said his "interest is politics comes and goes so thats probably not why" he is so mad.

"One day last week, I was watching something on TV and all of the sudden there was this scene of a naked woman." Elderjis clarified that it was only her backside but he was still frustrated with the moral decay of society. I his day, this would not stand. Surely this is what is bothering him. "No, I don't need to write a letter to the FCC. I mean, it was a beautiful backside and they show stuff like that on European TV all the time."

Finkridge "Kennedy Killer" Elderjist now lives his days in the lush gardens of Shady Tumbleweed Retirement Facility in Upper Spokane, but the questions still linger in his mind. "What was I so Mad about? I'm almost more mad that I can't remember why I was so mad. It's ridiculous!" He still hopes that he may remember. "I was so mad, at one point, I had to do something about it, but right then the Bridge Tournament was starting. You never want to miss the Bridge Tournament."

In the end, Elderjist says he may be better off. "I would probably just get myself in trouble, I still have my health and ten toes and ten finger...Hey! What happened to my little finger. Oh, someone is going to pay for this. They will pay dearly...Blood will spill for th...Oh its lunchtime! I love the rice pudding here. It reminds me of Martha's rice pudding. She made the best rice pudding with raisins and peanutbutt..."

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