Wife Finds Man's Porn 'Stash

Tehachapi, CA-Local resident Lehman Santosandgina was surprised by his wife last Tuesday afternoon with new accusations of having a secret life. As Carroll Santosandgina was cleaning the couple's modest bedroom, she began dusting the side table next to the bed. "Suddenly this hairy object fell from underneath the side table drawer." Mrs. Santosandgina said, "At first I thought it was a spider, you know, one of those big scary ones.” To her relief it did not move and she realized that it was not in fact an over-follicled arachnid. "I picked it up and in the light I realized there was sticky material on the back" she stated to her sister-in-law Vassel McDoubter who happened to visiting that day, delivering Mary Kay products. She showed it to McDoubter and, after careful examination, properly identified it as a fake mustache.

"It was a thick one" McDoubter later stated, "like what was popular in the '70's and 80's...or something that a cop would have.” The fake mustache sat untouched on the kitchen table as Mrs. Santosandgina began to wonder why her husband would have something like this. "At first I thought it was a definite sign he was cheating on me. But I thought that it didn't make any sense.". Later she admitted that he thought that her husband may have a fantasy about reliving his college years, wanted to be a fireman, a cop or some other civil service.

It was not until Mr. Santosandgina was almost home that she finally figured it out. "We had rented this really poor production value pornographic video a few weeks back. It was just dreadful. The main character...Ivan Yacinov or something like that... had this really thick mustache that Lehman kept mentioning and admiring. "

When Lehman Santosandgina did finally arrive home he knew something was amiss as he entered the narrow threshold of the living room. ”She had this air about her that she only gets when she's really mad" Sandtosandgina stated, "I just didn't want to hear it so I tried to ignore it until I saw my 'stash sitting on the table"

In the end, the couple is closer now because of the incident. “Lehman confessed to me that he had always wanted to be a police officer but when he entered his teens and early 20's he was never able to grow the nice thick mustache that the men in blue wear so proudly. I felt bad for him really.”Mrs. Santosangina says. “I threw that worthless costume prop away and decided to grow my own,” Lehman says proudly, “WHAT!? No I have not been drinking chocolate milk. Why do you ask?”


Editors Note: The Santosanginas filed for divorce on April 2nd citing irreconcilable differences. In a post interview, Carroll Santosangina stated “I just can't be married to a half-man freak who cant grow facial hair.”


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Idiot Savant Really Just an Idiot

Farefield, ND - Local residents were shocked and dismayed when it was announced that Regenal van der Hymen was not the talented savant painter experts believed him to be. Van der Hymen attained fame six years ago when an unnamed art speculator saw some of his work displayed at the Wedgewood Psychiatric Hospital. The speculator immediately purchased several of Hymans avant guard paintings and began displaying them in art galleries and truck stops in the lower Farefield area. Van der Hymen, who is unable to speak in complete sentences or use the restroom unsupervised, quickly rose to fame as the premier modern painter in the tri-county area.

Van der Hyman's unique style captivated the upper middle class art world of Farefield with stark images of stick figures with horseshoes for hands and short legs with no feet. "His work really touched my soul" said Finkey McDoubter who admitted to paying upward of 6 figures for 2 pieces of his work. "The horseshoes, as I was led to believe, represented so many aspects of human society that they could not be named" she continued "I can't believed I spent all my hard earned money on this junk. Do you know how much Mary Kay I have to sell to get that money back?"

While van der Hymen agreed to be interviewed, the interview was unable to take place due to injuries received in a hospital restroom. His publicists did state "Regenal wishes to express his apologies for anyone who may have purchased his painting under false pretenses. Well, actually he just kept repeating 'mommy pee pee, mommy pee pee' but I was assured by hospital staff that is what he meant".

Several residents have filed lawsuit against van der Hyman, who's net worth is estimated to be around 4 million packing peanuts. "Packing peanuts are his hobby" stated Menuelo Ronches, an orderly at the hospital, "He collects, studies and sometimes eats them. He's obsessed really".

After a whirlwind of brief fame and searing controversy, van der Hyman has settled back into his normal routine of painting in the grassy fields of Wedgewood and spending his afternoons masterbaiting in his hospial bed. When asked reciently if he regrets the past he simply replies "Fango man, breakin' the house, dooba doobie." Truer word have not been spoken.

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