Flagstaff, AZ - Deepthawer Memorial Hospital announced on Thursday that, after a comprehensive audit of its records, former patient, 50 year old Elwood Penitravet was actually a stillborn baby born May 31, 1959.According to sources, he was switched at birth with an unidentified baby that was born healthy a week earlier.Although the medical records did not record how the switch actually occurred, some employees have expressed concerns over mismanagement.
Elwood Penitravert was unavailable for comment but sources close to him have reported that he has received the news but seems to be taking it well.Mariena Penitravert, wife and sister to Elwood, stated in a phone interview:“This has been quite a shock to the family.Elwood has always been a quiet and sedentary man but no one suspected he had actually died at birth.Marina and Elwood Penitravert had been married for 25 years but never had any children.“It's not that we didn't want to have kids.Elwood loves kids.He is so patient and mild, kids just love to crawl all over him.No, we tried. I even got tested but everything was ok.I always suspected Elwood might have something wrong with him but...well...a man had his pride, you know!”
Francis “Sickle-Cell" Benkin esq., the legal representative of Deepthawer Memorial, stated in the announcement, “Our hearts go out to the Penit...Penitra...Penitrav[ert] family and especially to Elwood himself.We will do all we can afford, hopefully, to never let this happen again, this year.”
Penitravert had been employed at the Flagstaff Creamery as a Safety Manager of Operations but, due to the recent events, was let go.Flagstaff Creamery General Manager, Ronbert Falco stated “Because of the news that has come out in recent days, we had to let Elwood go.We have strict policies on not employing dead people.Not just dead people either...the undead, robots, cyborgs, witches, and uh...Jews...uuummm..our policies were written in a long, long time ago. Damn shame to.Elwood never gave anyone any trouble. Just sat in his office and worked all day 'til his wife cam to pick him up.”
Best friend and fellow West Flagstaff High School Alumni Buddie Epsteen was shocked and saddened when he heard the news.“Elwood and I...we were two peas yes, sir. We were always playing these practical jokes like I'd stick him in the teacher's desk drawer and when she opened it he would play dead and she would freak out.Or, sometimes, I would wear this police uniform and he would lie on the ground.I would spray paint around him like it was a crime scene, with yellow tape and everything, and I would ask bystanders questions like 'where were you last night between 5-9' or 'ma'am do you own a firearm.'Boy, those were good times...GOOD times.We were such good friends but now...well things are different.You think you know a person then it turns out their hiding something like this.”
When asked if she planned to have a funeral for her husband Mariena Penitravert answered “You know, I thought about it, but then I realized nothing has really changed.He's the same Elwood I married 25 years ago.Besides, tonight is our date night and Elwood wants to take me to Chez Food, and you know what that means...Elwood might be gettin' lucky tonight.”
Recent settlement documents between the Penitravers and Deepthawer Memorial reveal that the hospital offered the family $5,000 and free lifetime prostate exams.No funeral arrangements have been made.
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