Los Angeles, CA-Scientists have found that your most likely cause of death in the near future is the creepy guy walking behind you. A Midwestern University survey, headed by locally anesthetized statistician Dr. Hernan Hankolzaban, found that, in all probability, the hooded teen-to-mid-twenties man walking behind you will "pwoboby kiww you in du near fuwture." Dr. Hankolzaban noted the pulled over hood in hot weather, sketchy gait, and the fact that he has been 10 steps behind you for the last 3 blocks all contributed to his findings. Although race was not taken into account, Dr. Hankolzabansaid indicated that his model assumed a not-white, or non-Asian ethnicity.
The study is not without critics. Dr. Pencilpointy Sr. of the New England Journal of Statistics and Numbers stated that the likelihood of you being killed by this particular hooded individual is much closer to only ten percentile points. Instead, he figured that this person is more likely to just rob and possibly molest you. He did indicate that your more likely death would be caused by abrupt head trauma from the Metro bus that you failed to see as you were running away from your assailant.
Both experts agree that further study is necessary, but included that your untimely death is in fact near and preparations should be made accordingly.
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