Creepy Guy Walking Behind You Most Likely to Kill You

Los Angeles, CA-Scientists have found that your most likely cause of death in the near future is the creepy guy walking behind you. A Midwestern University survey, headed by locally anesthetized statistician Dr. Hernan Hankolzaban, found that, in all probability, the hooded teen-to-mid-twenties man walking behind you will "pwoboby kiww you in du near fuwture." Dr. Hankolzaban noted the pulled over hood in hot weather, sketchy gait, and the fact that he has been 10 steps behind you for the last 3 blocks all contributed to his findings. Although race was not taken into account, Dr. Hankolzabansaid indicated that his model assumed a not-white, or non-Asian ethnicity.

The study is not without critics. Dr. Pencilpointy Sr. of the New England Journal of Statistics and Numbers stated that the likelihood of you being killed by this particular hooded individual is much closer to only ten percentile points. Instead, he figured that this person is more likely to just rob and possibly molest you. He did indicate that your more likely death would be caused by abrupt head trauma from the Metro bus that you failed to see as you were running away from your assailant.

Both experts agree that further study is necessary, but included that your untimely death is in fact near and preparations should be made accordingly.

Local Man Finds His Wife Very Attractive

Blue Moon Tavern and Grill, Seattle, WA -  Shocked friends, a few eavesdropping passers-by and the waitress all expressed disbelief when Stephenal J. Lavensusmanos disclosed his physical and highly sexual attraction to his spouse of 15 years. What started as a normal post-vocational visit to the pub, soon became a hot bed of  gossip and intrigue as Lanvensumanos  declared that he found his wife to be sexually attractive. Co-worker and fellow pub patron, Stephenal Flowerington called his claims to the court of public opinion and pressed him further for details.  Lavensusmanos unbelievably declared "Well, she began losing a little weight and began exercising, you know, taking care of herself" to the horror of his compatriots in attendance. Flowerington, then called veteran Blue Moon Tavern and Grill waitress (who claims she has heard 'like everything working here') over to provide her loose change. After hearing Lavensusmanos story she expressed her disbelief and asked "Would you ever, you know, make a move on her?" Lavensusmanos responded in the affirmative but conceded that she may be 'too hot' for him now. He then declared that after a few more drinks he may 'go all in' this evening.

In a follow up conversation the next day Lavensusmanos and Flowerington discussed his awkward and fruitless attempt to start a conversation with her the previous night. "I hung out in the kitchen 'cause I know she goes there quite often and I kept thinking about what to say."  According to his account, as his wife walked in the kitchen he got flustered and just blurted out something about the weather and laughed nervously.  She then asked him to take out the trash and check on their slumbering kids.  She may have mumbled something else while she walked away. He was not sure because he checked out her backside and got synaptically lost as she left the room. Lavensusmanos then confessed to a shameful session of semi-sober self gratification in the bathroom sink before falling asleep on the couch.

Celebrity Gossip: Bono Breaks Up with Bono

Dublin, Ireland-Aging "rocker" and activist Bono is rumored to have ended his long standing relationship with himself.  According to some close associates, including one band member, Bono has ended his 24 year long love affair with himself. Fans of Bono and U2 were stunned and some were so shocked they stopped posting about U2 for 10 god-damn seconds on Facebook and Twitter.

Speaking off the record, one long time member of U2's management team stated that she was surprised when she heard. She stated, "Bono was a bit of a loner when the band first started.  He dated some groupies but nothing serious. No one could love him the way he needed. Then, he realized the love he needed was right there with him the whole time." She later said she thought that Bono and Bono were one of few couples in 'rock n' roll' truly in love. Another associate of Bono commented that celebrity relationships are notoriously short and "Bono should be happy that it lasted 24 years." One fan stated between Facebook posts about U2, "If Bono can't love himself, what chance does anyone have at finding true love."

The rumors were almost confirmed when Larry Mullen stated in a band interview, "Things were getting rocky between them and ..." But Bono interrupted him by asking if they could stop everything and talk about Africa for just a second.  Bono then made everyone feel bad about having enough food to eat today and charged everyone $120.00 plus fees for tickets to his next concert.

Obsessive Compulsive Garbage Man Finally Finishes First Route

Yerington, NV-After a harrowing three years as a sanitation worker, Randey Salanfork finally finished his first full route. The route, comprising of 50 homes and apartment complex trash receptacles, is usually completed in a matter of hours but, due to Salanfork's condition, it took considerably longer. Diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) in his early twenties he has had little control over his need to obsessively clean and wash his hands and anything he felt may be 'tainted'. "I am burdened with my ticks...(1,2,3...wooh)...that make life more difficult but, I wouldn't call it a disability...(1,2,3...wooh)." Salanfork said. 

Salanfork was hired as a favor by Rodney Salanfork, District Manager of  Yerrington Municipal Waste Disposal and Randey's reluctant brother. He officially began his route on July 5, 2009 and spent an entire day at the first receptacle. "First, I put on my disposable latex gloves. Next I put on my bio-hazard suit with respirator. And then, I just went to town. (1,2,3...wooh)" said Salanfork. "Next, I emptied the trash can into the truck. I held my breath the whole time I was sooooo nervous. Next, next, next, I noticed not all the trash had fallen out of the bottom of the receptacle. So I got my cleanup kit and started cleaning the can....(1,2,3...wooh)." Salanfork then went into nauseating detail on how he scrubbed and polished and cleaned the filth and 'taint' out of the trash can until it shone in that evenings sunset. His trainer for the day, Bud Justbud, had to leave Salanfork behind so that he could finish the rest of the route on his own. "I felt bad leaving him there but he just seemed so happy with his mop and bucket and cleaning supplies and acids and I don't even know what" said Justbud. Justbud later  stated that he had to repeat the process on day 2 on their 2nd route, Randey stayed at the first stop and cleaned until all the 'taint' was gone." 

Initially Randey loved his job but trouble struck when Randy realized he was not fitting in with the rest of the crew. "We started making fun of him. Often, by asking him if something had 'taint' on it.  We would say 'Hey Randey, does this look like taint to you?' and we would all laugh." Randey stated, "I thought I was getting along with the rest of the crew at the district. But then (1,2,3...wooh)...I...(2,3...wo)...I found out that they were just teasing me." Randey had discovered through an internet search on a computer with a meticulously clean keyboard that 'taint' was a double entendre.  This was a betrayal to Randey and he fell into a depression.  He pulled himself together to get to work each day but he had lost his enthusiasm. "We started feeling bad for Salad-fork so we tried to cheer him up but nothing worked." Jusbud stated dismayed. 

After completing his first full route, Randey announced his retirement. Salanfork soon fell into a deeper into sadness and secluded himself in a Lysol filled air tight bubble. "I can keep out all the germs in the world," Salanfork mused, "but I can't keep out all the hurting(...two...three...woe.)"

Study: Candy and Ice Cream Very Healthy Part of Children's Diet

Springfield,MA-Mrs. Fingerburger's kindergarten class held a news conference yesterday afternoon to announce their critical health and dietary finding. It has been called nothing short of revolutionary for the fields of medicine, nutrition, and child development. Tommy Santosandgina, kindergarten class representative, announced proudly the findings that "candy and ice queem(sic.) are necessary parts of a healthy balanced diet." These results rock the traditional nutritionist views that high caloric and high fat foods may cause health problems including diabetus and obesity. "After our academic year long study we have found that having candy, or ice cream at weast free(sic.) to five time a day, boosts energy and a-cadamic(Sic.) performance for at least five minutes after eating."

Children receive energy from health food like ice cream.

The new study also indicated that students who ate a breakfast including marshmallows or frosted cereal (or any cereal with a cartoon mascot) performed better academically. Also, the same students threw bouncy red balls much faster than kids who had to eat regular cereal. Tommy also noted that broccoli was found to be "very poisonous and should be avoided or fed to the dog under the table, if available."

Researchers disagree as to how this may effect nutrition habits in the near future because many parents traditionally think of these foods as 'junk food' or unhealthy. Nutritionist Nigel J. Happenstance said "this study completely redesigns the food pyramid model with the four new food elements to a healthy diet being: Candy, Ice Cream, Video Games and a Barbie Dream House. Traditional science doesn't even acknowledge the latter two as food. Clearly, we have much to learn."

The Surgeon General for the United States and the Unnamed Domain of His Eminence called for a complete retooling of school lunch programs. More information will be made available soon on the official Surgeon Generals website: http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/.

Most Languages I Speak are English

Op-Ed By: Consuelo The Orange (With help from Google Translate)
Halo! I am fluent in much speak of engles. You may speak and say, no. I say no. You not know from where I speak much engles. I study by read newsbooks and People magazine. Kardashian, JoLo, Tom Cruse and Holmes, you will agree? I know, ha, I know you thinking 'no eschoola where I am from' but I learn from eschoola de Ford Knox. While I make money with the cleaning I also listen with ear buddy to the news en engles.
You will think me too stupid to know what has been said but I learn new word from Quicklypedia: intonation. Ha you think the condecent is only on your mouth, but lips of the quivering lie in mouth with not a Beyonce and Jay-Z. You may not know what I say all times but with "intonation" I buy and cost the meaning from the shady.
So not all is same in breaking of new grounded words, Prince Charles and the skinny white girl. You have rich in the Nordstrom but I am have Queen Latifa in my own home. Much praise from my family and el jefe.

Low Level IT Supervisor Now in charge of 10,000 Strong Mercenary Army

Beaverton, OR - A low level IT help desk supervisor seized control of the local governments on Thursday with a 10,000 strong mercenary army in a power grab that proved successful beyond his initial plans. [Real name withheld due to pending litigation] asked that he now only be referred to as His Eminence since his appointment as Supreme High Lord of Beaverton and Surrounding Territories.

He began his political career as an IT help desk operator, was promoted to supervisor, and then quickly rose to power over the greater Beaverton area when a full standing mercenary army under contract with [Corporation name withheld do to pending litigation] fell under his control. His sudden ascension was partly due to an automatic e-mail personnel approval process while working for [company name withheld do to court order]. His Eminence was filling out a simple personnel request when, he claims, "As a joke, I filled out the form on the enterprise intranet website for '10,000 battle tested mercenaries.'  I figured Frank the GM here in Beaverton would have caught the joke and denied the request." Frank denied any involvement in the military actions performed by His Eminance, and replied no comment when pressed further. 

In an interview with His Eminence he stated, "Seriously, I was in shock when the notification came back approved. But I totally lost my shit when 10,000 soldiers showed up at the office."

The shock soon faded and the seductive euphoria of absolute, though geographically limited, power  drove His Eminence to assume command and immediately declared marshal law on the two story suburban office park in southern Beaverton. The local PD were called in but quickly surrendered when Field Sergent Thomas A. O'brienstein realized that they were seriously outgunned and outnumbered.  O'brienstein later stated "The initial call was for a hostage situation. So, we headed out guns ready but, when we arrived and found a full standing army encampment., there was not much we could do..."  O'brienstein and his men later joined His Eminence and his mercenary army when he offered better pay and promised not put up with 'bullshit from Mayor Doyel.'
 With local law enforcement subdued His Eminence expanded his reach to include the the tri-city area of Hillsboro, Tigard and the rest of Beaverton.  The National Guard was soon called in by state authorities but due to lack of funding and fighting 2 wars in Afghanistan and Iraq they sued for peace instead of risking further military resources.
His Eminence later admitted, "I used a combination of tactical skills that I acquired from playing World of Warcraft and negotiation modeled after Captain Picard of Star Trek TNG.  I pretty much got what I wanted once I told them that I planned to have a small elitist power base that would crush the underprivileged and poor. I  really just modeled my regime after the current US government. Now, I have almost absolute power over the entire tri-city area."  He later promised to rule with a "Firm but just hand." 

Only history will tell if a dictatorship can survive in the middle of the United States pseudo-democratic oligarchy.