Daytona, FL - Local fat man, Bernard Fowlerington, began his day the same way that he had for the last 2 weeks. After a light breakfast, and a quick weigh in, he began planning his lunch for the day. As he opened his refrigerator door, a great darkness overcame him even as he surveyed his options. "1/2 sandwich and salad or soup and vegetable medley I thought to myself" said Fowlerington, " when it hit me. This is spotty rabbit food." He began to remember what had motivated to get out of bed every morning. "McDonalds! I said out loud to myself. Every morning I dreaded getting out of bed and the daily grind. I would just lay there until I would think of those beautiful golden french fries. I would think about what I would get...would it be a McChicken sandwich and 2 large fries or would I go classy and hork down 2 Big Macs." Fowlerington would plan his day around his regular trip to the nations largest fast food retailer.
Things changed when he visited his doctor for chest pains about 10 weeks ago. "Dr. Pencilpointy gave me a stern lecture about my weight and said my cholesterol was extremely high. He put me on a diet and exercise routine that was hard for me for the first few days but, then it got easier." Fowlerington was diagnosed with metabolic disorder and his doctor told him that, if he did not change his ways, he would surely die at a young age.
It was 2 weeks in to the diet that he had the revelation that his only true reason for existence was consumption of McDonalds low priced/low quality food. Like a forbidden romance, Fowlerington realized that without the joy of his daily intake of highly processed, high calorie foods, his life had little meaning. It was then that he decided that the diet, the exercise, the pain and suffering was all for nothing if he could not have is Fillet-o-fish, McGrill chicken with extra mayo, or his frosty cold milk shake at least once a day. "I realized that everything I did, getting up, showering, driving to work, working just hard enough to not get fired...all of it, was so I could earn enough money for my one true love...fast food. It was then that I said to my self, 'you got to get busy living the short life you want, not a long, healthy long life someone else wants for you.'" said Bernard with half a smile "life is all about making the right decisions, not doing what your told."
Bernard Fowlerington, of course, did not die from his poor diet and lack of exercise. In fact things turned around for him. He suffered a series of mild strokes that left half of his body paralyzed. "It was as if fate stepped in and gave me this gift..." He said struggling to properly form the words "...since the stroke, I was able to go on state disability so now I never have to leave the house except to go to my nearest drive-through and order whatever I want. I truly am living the Dreannnnn...mmmm."
Spokane, WA-Finkridge Elderjist is mad as hell. His only problem is, he can remember why. Elderjist is 82, and a former member of the Beckenhurst Rotary Club but, his anger, says Elderjist, "does not stem from his membership in said club. I think?" There are many things that bother him in this world: The price of gas, the war in Iraq, teenagers, people who drive to fast, people who drive to slow, etc. But these things 'really just annoy him.' No, Finkridge is mad for a very specific and personally offensive reason but is not sure what that reason is. "This young chap in a car almost ran me over last Thursday" said Elderjist "I got mad, but thats not it. I mean, I was a teen once. He was just in a hurry. No one got hurt." Elderjist is an active member of the local Republican Party but he said his "interest is politics comes and goes so thats probably not why" he is so mad.
"One day last week, I was watching something on TV and all of the sudden there was this scene of a naked woman." Elderjis clarified that it was only her backside but he was still frustrated with the moral decay of society. I his day, this would not stand. Surely this is what is bothering him. "No, I don't need to write a letter to the FCC. I mean, it was a beautiful backside and they show stuff like that on European TV all the time."
Finkridge "Kennedy Killer" Elderjist now lives his days in the lush gardens of Shady Tumbleweed Retirement Facility in Upper Spokane, but the questions still linger in his mind. "What was I so Mad about? I'm almost more mad that I can't remember why I was so mad. It's ridiculous!" He still hopes that he may remember. "I was so mad, at one point, I had to do something about it, but right then the Bridge Tournament was starting. You never want to miss the Bridge Tournament."
In the end, Elderjist says he may be better off. "I would probably just get myself in trouble, I still have my health and ten toes and ten finger...Hey! What happened to my little finger. Oh, someone is going to pay for this. They will pay dearly...Blood will spill for th...Oh its lunchtime! I love the rice pudding here. It reminds me of Martha's rice pudding. She made the best rice pudding with raisins and peanutbutt..."
"One day last week, I was watching something on TV and all of the sudden there was this scene of a naked woman." Elderjis clarified that it was only her backside but he was still frustrated with the moral decay of society. I his day, this would not stand. Surely this is what is bothering him. "No, I don't need to write a letter to the FCC. I mean, it was a beautiful backside and they show stuff like that on European TV all the time."
Finkridge "Kennedy Killer" Elderjist now lives his days in the lush gardens of Shady Tumbleweed Retirement Facility in Upper Spokane, but the questions still linger in his mind. "What was I so Mad about? I'm almost more mad that I can't remember why I was so mad. It's ridiculous!" He still hopes that he may remember. "I was so mad, at one point, I had to do something about it, but right then the Bridge Tournament was starting. You never want to miss the Bridge Tournament."
In the end, Elderjist says he may be better off. "I would probably just get myself in trouble, I still have my health and ten toes and ten finger...Hey! What happened to my little finger. Oh, someone is going to pay for this. They will pay dearly...Blood will spill for th...Oh its lunchtime! I love the rice pudding here. It reminds me of Martha's rice pudding. She made the best rice pudding with raisins and peanutbutt..."