5 Inexpensive Dating Ideas From Consuelo the Orange

(Translated with the help of the Merriam-Webster Spanish to English Dictionary,1999 Edition.) Halo! You may say, "Mama Consuelo, I am poor college man. I make the Willie Nelson. I no make the big Jay-Z in dinero. How can I make/give pretty mamacita the good time for the dates without going Enron?" To you I have the news of the good. I tell you where to take ladies for fun with no spending the large Donald Trump. This hour I will bring to you the 5 no cost the dates for the ladies.

Sugerencia Uno-The Abandoned Field

The nature has all needed to treat a senorita to romance. Have a short drive from the city and bring blanket and pocket knife. Here the compliments is whispered to her ear of her prettiness as you lay out the blanket in grassy abandoned field. Then, give her knife and tell her you left something en la coche and you BRB. Get to car and leave her in the beauty of nature. Alone she will fight things like elements and use knife to kill you a rabbit or field mouse.  She will bring this to you and have cook good meal for you.

Cost: $0 + Gas

Beneficio: She cook you good meal and love you creative. Also, she prove she strong woman, able to take care for you.

Sugerencia Dos-Thrift Shop Hop

Your mamacita likes nice things. You take her to the store but you no money. But thrift shop has many nice things at low quality/price. You will take her to thrift shop and spend long time. Look at old VCR or tape player and spend hour or dos, pushing buttons or plugging plugs. Then leave and do not purchase. The romance will flow from her bosom.
Cost: $0 + bus fare.
Beneficio: She will see you man of taste and class. Sturdy strong man, Al Pacino.

Sugerencia Tres-Dine and the Leave

The date of the third can be a trick for man in woo. Ladies may be all swoon, but more is required to keep her interest. Take her to high class Tom Cruise restaurant  (Don't worry, Mama Consuelo has plan.) She arrive with you in the fancy dress and reservations. Order all wonderful things and bring in the excesses of Beyonce to her. Before the check is bringing you tell her you must go and fade into the night. Her resolve to test love of you will be brought to fore.  She must pay as you not existence and the romance will Schwarzenegger.
Cost: Expensive - You not pay = $0
Beneficio: If she will still see you after this, dios mio, she is rich and the marriage is coming!

Sugerencia Quatro-Leave Her Home

This is simple way for el dating costs low. Go out and not bring the date of your affection. You have the enjoyment and then visit the girl caller after.  You will tell her of the fun you have and she love the stories you tell.  She find you interesting and throw her passions at you in heavy sway.
Cost: Whatever you spend on yourself mijo.
Beneficio: She think you interesting and selfish. She will turn to worship you.

Sugerencia Cinco-Just Love the Mama

This is the best, Consuelo can give you in the advice. Love tu madre and do not be the dating other girls. Mama will feed you and feed you. She cannot give you the Jay-Z cash. But spending dinero you can ask for. Mama exists in your house and the caring for all you need. You need the laundry or the food. Mama. You need the love. Mama. You never need to move out. Mama. Just the love. Mama.
Cost: -$50, ask Mama for it.
Beneficio: Tu Madre is the love.

Local Woman Spends Hours on Pinterest

The Internet, The Internet--In an effort to numb herself to the harsh realities of suburban meaninglessness, a local woman admits to spending hours daily on image link sharing site Pinterest. Filderjay Salanfork admits to spending most of her day 'pinning' clothes she will never fit in and foods that keep her from fitting in said clothes. Pinterest, oft described as 'internet for girls,' is a social networking site where women can 'pin' crap that they can't afford and foods no one should ever eat and share these findings with other, probably overweight, users. "Oh that's a good uuugh." Salanfork says as she clicks her mouse to add a seven layer cake-pie of various fruits, chocolates and cream frosting. Pinterest is designed to be use solely with a mouse as most users find computer keyboard keys to be too small for their well endowed fingers. Salanfork does recognized she may have a problem and says, "Sometimes I want to stop but it is just so addic...oh skinny galactic wash jeans with an elastic waistband. Sooooo, cute!"

Emaciated models reinforce negati..oh you don't really care!

Self proclaimed Pinterest behavioral expert and part time homeless man Steve Banilitfoto stated, "By using photographic and redundant visual cues, the site can build addictive behaviors in women much like  pornographic web sites do in men. The genius is in the sites multi-column design that caters to the non linear and emotional thinking of a female brain. So uh, do you have any spare change?" While MentalDuctTape spares change for no one, Banilitfoto did have a point, and further time was spent researching phonographic internet portals. No conclusive information was gleaned from this research.

While mindless hours can be wasted away scrolling through any website on the internet. Pinterest specializes in providing page after page of pictures of cake, anorexic wedding dresses, and sunsets with poorly pasted pseudo-inspiring Helga font text. This has proven a problem for stay at home mom, Salanfork. Six year old Kateluuh Salanfork said, "Mommy, mommy, mommy, MOM!" Kateluuh received only monosyllabic ooh's or huh's to comfort her cries.

Pinterest is a privately-held, venture-backed social media internet site with no financial, emotional, legal or homosexual ties with MentalDuctTape.

Heterosexuals Take to the Streets to Protest Marriage

Washington, D.C.-Angry heterosexuals arrived in force today in a unique turn of events on the marriage debate. Gregor Justbud head of the National Alliance to Kill Egalitarian Domestic Unions or NAKED-U spoke to a large crowed of mostly men in unhappy relationships: "We all face pressures, social, familial, and economic to pursue marriage. We are here today to say not any more.  We heteros deserve the same right to avoid marriage as do our gay brethren." His statements received a resounding grumble from the tens of individuals in attendance. Justbud continued, "When my girlfriend asks me if I ever want to get married, its unfair that I have to have that uncomfortable conversation where I talk about how I feel. I have to avoid telling her that I am just biding my time until someone better comes along. No one should have to do that, not in my America. My gay friend Gary, he doesn't have to talk about these things with his significant other Ronnie. Why? Because they get to live in a state where their marriage is illegal. That is discrimination and we will not stand for it." The crowed responded with a few claps. Some stoners cheered near the back of the audience but they were confused by a mix up with a medicinal marijuana legalization rally nearby.

The movement is not without detractors as Gregor's long term girlfriend Anitas el Naranja stood in the sidelines looking perturbed. She later stated, "I can't believe Greg turned his refusal to talk about our relationship and his feeling into a political movement." She was last seen walking away from the protest and hailing a taxi cab. While NAKED-U has not released any numbers on membership, the official spokesman said that their membership is growing. When pressed for plans the organization had for the future, the spokesman cut off the interview and stated, "We are not committed to anything and now is not the time to talk about the future. I need to go get a beer with my buddy but we can talk later, honey. I promise."

Ugly Woman Ugly on the Inside Too

Corona, CA - In an affront to the cliche about book covers, local resident Mayry Hyman is not just a normal ugly person. Ms. Hyman has been deemed by most people she befriends, meets, talks, or has any type of interaction with, as a terrible person on the inside as well. While most people walking past Mayry only see her large protruding forehead, asymmetric eyes, gummy smile, and Dorito Tan, others who have had the pleasure of talking to her, will find that she is a raciest, sexist, foul mouthed, whore. Calvin McJohnston, a local bag boy at the Luck 7 Gold Happy mini-supermarket, describes her as "a miserable walking trash heap of emotionally and physically abusive human waste." McJohnston continued, "when I first saw her I thought she might be nice since she gummed a smile at me from underneath her gigantic cro-magnon skull. While physically repulsive she seemed like she might be a kindhearted mutant of some sort." McJohnston declined to discuss the interaction further except to say it involved him 'crying, being smeared, hopefully, just in fecal matter, and some psychiatric treatments.'

Ms. Hyman declined to comment on her condition, but did shout out several racially offensive terms while applying another layer of spray-on-tan.