90 Percent of Local Man's Conversation is Old Movie Quote's

Chicago, IL-In his soft shuffle to the ever widening aperture of madness, Roddy McDoubter, pulls from his encyclopedic knowledge of old films to communicate in social situations. While attending the 'Flash Mixer' at the Greater Chicago Rotary Club, McDoubter was seen conversing almost entirely with movie quotes. As he approached a loose collection of likeminded individuals, an anonymous member of the group asked him “How’s it going today?” McDoubter retorted with “I’m the king of the world” to the wet slickness of much eye rolling.  Un-phased acquaintance Marabella Ronches asked “How is your Mom? Is she still in the hospital?” The response was not well received as McDoubter spoke in a poor cockney accent “Don’t bury me, I’m not dead yet!” An uncomfortable and possibly psychotic laugh followed.

A psychiatrist and eavesdropping ‘Flash Mixer’ attendee commented that he had never seen such behavior but likened the condition to a classic social fallback. “Roddy may be using horribly clichéd movie lines as some may use humor in a defense mechanism, but Roddy isn’t funny or entertaining. It’s kinda just sad.”  The unnamed psychiatrist then grimaced as he heard McDoubter exclaim “You had me at hello.” McDoubter’s face looked as if he as just eaten a sour candy or lemon.

Marabella Ronches stated later, after excusing herself from the group McDoubder had parasitically attached, “When I first met McDoubter I thought he was just a big movie buff.  Now that I think about it, he may have had a stroke or aneurysm that, like, deleted all his conversational ability.”

One close friend to McDoubter said “I asked him about the way he talked, and I told him he should see a doctor because what if he had a condition or something.”  The friend looked around and an emotional moistness betrayed his visage. “He said ‘It’s not a tuma, It’s not a tuma at all’ in this, like, horrible Austrian accent. I mean, if he is gonna’ quote something does it have to be Kindergarten Cop.”

Aging Bar Patron Finally has Internet Thing Figured Out

Stukukie, NY--Amongst the dirty bars tools and sticky countertops of the Hanging Wagon Saloon, a lone aging man sits smoking Marlboro Reds. He has the knowing smile that comes with an epiphany of the, possibly, life changing sort. "I told you Ace," he calls out the the bartender polishing short tumblers and staring blankly at the wall. "I told you I'd figure it out. This whole damn Internet thing. It is like a phone but not. It does more, but you can't talk on it." He takes another sip from his Jim Beam, neat. "You see I used to think it was like the game 'telephone' we used to play. You tell someone something and then they say it and then someone else." he grumbles, coughs and then takes another scorching drag and slowly puffs smoke out his nose in blue curls and let's it linger.

"I told you, You can't smoke here Rustin." the bartender comments unchanging his blank facial stare. Rustin Fingerburger has become known as the first self-proclaimed senior citizen in the tri-state area that can effectively describe the purpose of the Internet. Joe, Joe, and Bob, other Hanging Wagon patrons, are all staring in Rustin's direction slack jawed with respect. "Well, tell us what it really is, please!" said one of the Joes.

"If you take a telephone and plug it into a computer" Rustin continues " then add a high voltage fiber optic to it you get computer that talk."

"Woah," said Bob "you mean the computers talk?"

"Not like you or I but, yes. And they talk to each other in pictures of your grandkids from your shiftless son." he again touts two puffs of grey blue smoke from his nose. "Ace, you got a few years under us, can you confirm what ole Fingerburger is saying?" The other Joe says.

"Porn." Ace mumbles.

"What?"

" "

"He said what!"

"The Internet is for porn" Ace said sighing and continuing the blank stare."And you gotta put the cigarette out."

" "

"No, you can use it for that, but is much more." replied Fingerburger.

"No it's not. Just porn." Ace stands still rubbing the glasses not moving or showing any signs of other action. Then Ace says, "How are you even still alive?"

The four aging men grumble to themselves and Pencilpointy finally crushes the cigarette into the sticky bar. With those condemning words, Fingerburger soon gives up, absorbs more of his Jim Beam, and declines and further discussions of the matter.

Technology: Motorola Launches New Phone Technology That Hides the Disapoinment in Your Parents Voice

Libertyville, IL - The nations third largest manufacture of consumer products has released a new technology that will revolutionize communication. Motorola Mobility announced Tuesday that the new feature called "UCallHome" will change the way you make voice calls to your parents. The technology uses enhanced digital signal processing to mask and sometimes completely eliminate the sound of disappointment from your mother and father's voice.

Motorola CTO, and thankless son, Robuel Elderjist stated, "Lets face it, our customers are a complete disappointment to their parents in almost every way, really. We can't change that. But, with the new UCallHome feature we can at least soften the grating criticism and worried but self-serving undertone of the conversations between parents and their adult children." The technology takes the depressing and shameful electromagnetic signals that come from your parents, especially your mother, and uses patented technology to analyze the signal. The signal is then rated on a scale of reactionary presets from college expulsion to grandchild birth and is processed accordingly. "The genius of the new feature is its subtlety," said Elderjist, who still has not called is mother, even though she had a bad fall last week and hurt her shin, and had to go to the doctor, and she knows he knows about the fall because she left a message on his voice machine, "The actual words that your parents say are not altered. Only the whiny tone and warbled pleas are altered causing resentful statements to sound at worst dismissive and at best encouraging."

Tech blogger 'Angela' calls her parents to tell them she is pregnant but unmarried.

.

Reaction to technology was originally skeptical. Early beta tester of the technology Rhonda McJohnston said "To be honest, the tech didn't work with my mother at first. It missed the nuanced racism of her undermining statements about how I will never find a good 'white' man if I didn't lose some weight. But after an update to the software that included the Sarcastic Undertone Engine v1.4, it locked on to my mothers speech patterns and we have been much closer since. I only dread visiting her in person now. I don't get physically ill when she calls and I've almost completely stopped calling my therapist after I talk to my mother." 

At the press conference, several unconvinced reporters asked questions like "What if I call and ask for money?" and "Will thiths help if I need to, like, "come out" to my parenths?" In a surprise demonstration, Elderjist called up his long time assistant Mary P____ and had her call her conservative mid-western father and tell him that she was not in fact engaged but only sleeping with her short time boyfriend. To the audience's delight, the conversation goes over smoothy and ends politely. Applause from the disappointing sons and directionless and thankless daughters in attendance erupted.

After the announcement Motorola stock rose a respectable 10%, but that doesn't matter because you've never held a job long enough to even think about investing. And that's why you don't have a girlfriend because you are too irresponsible and whydon'tyoucallyourmothermore?

Unaware of the Common Metaphor, Beef Bus Driver Parks in Front of TunaTown

Huntington Beach, CA - Beef Bus Cold Meat Transportation delivery driver Juanardo el Naranja was both embarrassed and confused by the rapacious laughter that occurred when he parked his vehicle in a small shopping center, Thursday. El Naranja was on his normal cured meat, cheese and out-of-date fashion magazine route when, due to road construction, he had to detour and park his van across the street from his normal delivery drop. Unwittingly, el Naranja became a living double entendre as he placed his truck in park right in front of the Tuna Town sea food reaturant and laundry-mat. "I have park here to deliver mi carne" he said, "when I see young boy like...ten y three. He laugh at me. I no! Why he laugh?"

And yet, laugh he did. Along with semi-nude model and housewife Elixabuff Salanfork who found parking the Beef Bus truck right in font of Tuna Town quite hilarious. "I can't believe that he would park there," she said still recovering from an elongated guffaw. The hysteria of the event soon took a new level as el Naranja quickly moved his quality cured meat and magazine delivery truck over one block to park in front of the local watering hole the Happy Clam.  To his dismay, the middle-school delight followed him as two youths riding skateboards pointed and laughed at the visual limerick that met them.

"I have never had such disrespect" amid the laughter of even the most respectable businness professional pedestrian walking passed, he continued "I am leaving for lunch. I will estride over to the Tamale Wagon to get my satisfaction."  A nun walking past giggled at the exclamation.

Overcome with embarrassment that soon built to into rage el Naranja yelled to the gathering crowd, "I am respectable businessman. I drove the Beef Buss into Beaverton...Oregon for many years."  Amid the increasing all out-laughter of everone near el Naranja, an eighth grade intramural basketball player shouted from the crowd. "Haha, then where did you work?"  Still making a stand for his respectable career, Mr. el Naranja stated "I satisfied many as a Hot Sausage delivery driver. Before that, I was a pressure washer in Quiverbone, Kentucky."  Soon the laughter of the mass of public walking near the scene was too much for Mr. Juanardo el Naranja an he left the scene.

In a follow up interview, el Naranja stated "I am just humble man. I no wish ill and sickness or Tom Cruise  on any peronas. I start working as delivery as young boy ten years ago for Red Hot Intercourse meat company in SexSexSex, Texas...you know where that small town is? No? It is south, southwest of Fornication, Oklahoma. Why do you giggle at me? I am a Considerable Member of my Church.  Why do all laugh at me?"

el Naranja swiftly ended the interview and has refused comment since.

Movie Review: Random Explosions with Interspersed Grunty Monosyllabic Dialog

The Internet, USA - (A guest post by fifteen-year-old Twitter junkie Chase McChaserton who mostly cut and paste results from the hash tag #random_explosions.)

Wow this movie!!! Just wow!!!!! Lol you guys coming? @[name withheld] The explosions looked so realistic I'm having flashbacks #lololol!!! Did you guys get what he said at the end, "Save the last dance for Tango!" #spoiler OMG yeah they will totally make a sequel. Don't you guys think that there was excessive murder of innocent security guards and contractors @chasethemace? Na, it was for the artistics of good explosions versus bad explosions. The good explosions kill the bad guys. And then the bad explosions scorch the good guys. #lololl.

Foolz, all you! This movie was crap but OK. I like the explosion. But there was no plot. Rt:rt: Foolz you! No there was a good story tho. @consuelotheorange sayed it best, explosion tells the story and the grunts of Tango represent the struggle of oppressed minorities struggling against oppression of the oppressv bad Man.

@[name withheld] you may say @chasethemace Is it really good? Like Pearl Harbour good? Finally, if you like explosions and a few robots Tango is the man for you. @[name withheld]

"No Fat Chicks" Bumper Sticker Totally Effective

Shafter, CA - Steven McJohnston announced that the new bumper sticker on his lifted '08 Ford F-250, is "totally effective". Mr. McJohnston spoke before a loose collection of like minded individuals confirming that he has successfully lifted his prospects for finding a suitable girlfriend by a simple last minute purchase from the Pep Boys in near by Bakersfield. McJohnston stated "so, there I was picking up some more McGuiars to polish up my baby. When I saw this 'No Fat Chicks!' bumper sticker." Those in attendance gave audible sounds of approval as he pointed out the sticker newly affixed on the late model Ford pickup. "I put is just below the FOX and No Fear stickers so even the short ones could read it." Mr. McJohnston said to an audience of cat call and an "Awe Yeah!" from his best bro Brett. When asked of the effectiveness of the new emblem on his truck McJohnston simply looked around and pressed his lips in a knowing smile and said "You see any around here?"

Further study divulges a near complete drop in the number of fat chicks in the 100 yard radius around the truck. Although more conclusive examination is needed to note the effects when said truck is near an Arby's or off-brand doughnut shop. Preliminary and anecdotal reports are labeling this effect the McJohnson Push.

Some skeptics and "haters" are attributing the effect more to the fact that he broke up with is long time girlfriend Shelly for being too fat. "She was pushing 2.5 bills!" says Scott (no last name given) while pulling on the gold chain on his neck and adjusting his flat billed cap. "I mean, seriously that's pretty cold and he ain't got any other girls around him now." Suggesting the effect may push away all available females of breeding age within the radius of study.

McJohnson claims that is not the case but produced no evidence to the contrary.

Creepy Guy Walking Behind You Most Likely to Kill You

Los Angeles, CA-Scientists have found that your most likely cause of death in the near future is the creepy guy walking behind you. A Midwestern University survey, headed by locally anesthetized statistician Dr. Hernan Hankolzaban, found that, in all probability, the hooded teen-to-mid-twenties man walking behind you will "pwoboby kiww you in du near fuwture." Dr. Hankolzaban noted the pulled over hood in hot weather, sketchy gait, and the fact that he has been 10 steps behind you for the last 3 blocks all contributed to his findings. Although race was not taken into account, Dr. Hankolzabansaid indicated that his model assumed a not-white, or non-Asian ethnicity.

The study is not without critics. Dr. Pencilpointy Sr. of the New England Journal of Statistics and Numbers stated that the likelihood of you being killed by this particular hooded individual is much closer to only ten percentile points. Instead, he figured that this person is more likely to just rob and possibly molest you. He did indicate that your more likely death would be caused by abrupt head trauma from the Metro bus that you failed to see as you were running away from your assailant.

Both experts agree that further study is necessary, but included that your untimely death is in fact near and preparations should be made accordingly.

Local Man Finds His Wife Very Attractive

Blue Moon Tavern and Grill, Seattle, WA -  Shocked friends, a few eavesdropping passers-by and the waitress all expressed disbelief when Stephenal J. Lavensusmanos disclosed his physical and highly sexual attraction to his spouse of 15 years. What started as a normal post-vocational visit to the pub, soon became a hot bed of  gossip and intrigue as Lanvensumanos  declared that he found his wife to be sexually attractive. Co-worker and fellow pub patron, Stephenal Flowerington called his claims to the court of public opinion and pressed him further for details.  Lavensusmanos unbelievably declared "Well, she began losing a little weight and began exercising, you know, taking care of herself" to the horror of his compatriots in attendance. Flowerington, then called veteran Blue Moon Tavern and Grill waitress (who claims she has heard 'like everything working here') over to provide her loose change. After hearing Lavensusmanos story she expressed her disbelief and asked "Would you ever, you know, make a move on her?" Lavensusmanos responded in the affirmative but conceded that she may be 'too hot' for him now. He then declared that after a few more drinks he may 'go all in' this evening.

In a follow up conversation the next day Lavensusmanos and Flowerington discussed his awkward and fruitless attempt to start a conversation with her the previous night. "I hung out in the kitchen 'cause I know she goes there quite often and I kept thinking about what to say."  According to his account, as his wife walked in the kitchen he got flustered and just blurted out something about the weather and laughed nervously.  She then asked him to take out the trash and check on their slumbering kids.  She may have mumbled something else while she walked away. He was not sure because he checked out her backside and got synaptically lost as she left the room. Lavensusmanos then confessed to a shameful session of semi-sober self gratification in the bathroom sink before falling asleep on the couch.