5 Inexpensive Dating Ideas From Consuelo the Orange

(Translated with the help of the Merriam-Webster Spanish to English Dictionary,1999 Edition.) Halo! You may say, "Mama Consuelo, I am poor college man. I make the Willie Nelson. I no make the big Jay-Z in dinero. How can I make/give pretty mamacita the good time for the dates without going Enron?" To you I have the news of the good. I tell you where to take ladies for fun with no spending the large Donald Trump. This hour I will bring to you the 5 no cost the dates for the ladies.

Sugerencia Uno-The Abandoned Field

The nature has all needed to treat a senorita to romance. Have a short drive from the city and bring blanket and pocket knife. Here the compliments is whispered to her ear of her prettiness as you lay out the blanket in grassy abandoned field. Then, give her knife and tell her you left something en la coche and you BRB. Get to car and leave her in the beauty of nature. Alone she will fight things like elements and use knife to kill you a rabbit or field mouse.  She will bring this to you and have cook good meal for you.

Cost: $0 + Gas

Beneficio: She cook you good meal and love you creative. Also, she prove she strong woman, able to take care for you.

Sugerencia Dos-Thrift Shop Hop

Your mamacita likes nice things. You take her to the store but you no money. But thrift shop has many nice things at low quality/price. You will take her to thrift shop and spend long time. Look at old VCR or tape player and spend hour or dos, pushing buttons or plugging plugs. Then leave and do not purchase. The romance will flow from her bosom.
Cost: $0 + bus fare.
Beneficio: She will see you man of taste and class. Sturdy strong man, Al Pacino.

Sugerencia Tres-Dine and the Leave

The date of the third can be a trick for man in woo. Ladies may be all swoon, but more is required to keep her interest. Take her to high class Tom Cruise restaurant  (Don't worry, Mama Consuelo has plan.) She arrive with you in the fancy dress and reservations. Order all wonderful things and bring in the excesses of Beyonce to her. Before the check is bringing you tell her you must go and fade into the night. Her resolve to test love of you will be brought to fore.  She must pay as you not existence and the romance will Schwarzenegger.
Cost: Expensive - You not pay = $0
Beneficio: If she will still see you after this, dios mio, she is rich and the marriage is coming!

Sugerencia Quatro-Leave Her Home

This is simple way for el dating costs low. Go out and not bring the date of your affection. You have the enjoyment and then visit the girl caller after.  You will tell her of the fun you have and she love the stories you tell.  She find you interesting and throw her passions at you in heavy sway.
Cost: Whatever you spend on yourself mijo.
Beneficio: She think you interesting and selfish. She will turn to worship you.

Sugerencia Cinco-Just Love the Mama

This is the best, Consuelo can give you in the advice. Love tu madre and do not be the dating other girls. Mama will feed you and feed you. She cannot give you the Jay-Z cash. But spending dinero you can ask for. Mama exists in your house and the caring for all you need. You need the laundry or the food. Mama. You need the love. Mama. You never need to move out. Mama. Just the love. Mama.
Cost: -$50, ask Mama for it.
Beneficio: Tu Madre is the love.

Local Woman Spends Hours on Pinterest

The Internet, The Internet--In an effort to numb herself to the harsh realities of suburban meaninglessness, a local woman admits to spending hours daily on image link sharing site Pinterest. Filderjay Salanfork admits to spending most of her day 'pinning' clothes she will never fit in and foods that keep her from fitting in said clothes. Pinterest, oft described as 'internet for girls,' is a social networking site where women can 'pin' crap that they can't afford and foods no one should ever eat and share these findings with other, probably overweight, users. "Oh that's a good uuugh." Salanfork says as she clicks her mouse to add a seven layer cake-pie of various fruits, chocolates and cream frosting. Pinterest is designed to be use solely with a mouse as most users find computer keyboard keys to be too small for their well endowed fingers. Salanfork does recognized she may have a problem and says, "Sometimes I want to stop but it is just so addic...oh skinny galactic wash jeans with an elastic waistband. Sooooo, cute!"

Emaciated models reinforce negati..oh you don't really care!

Self proclaimed Pinterest behavioral expert and part time homeless man Steve Banilitfoto stated, "By using photographic and redundant visual cues, the site can build addictive behaviors in women much like  pornographic web sites do in men. The genius is in the sites multi-column design that caters to the non linear and emotional thinking of a female brain. So uh, do you have any spare change?" While MentalDuctTape spares change for no one, Banilitfoto did have a point, and further time was spent researching phonographic internet portals. No conclusive information was gleaned from this research.

While mindless hours can be wasted away scrolling through any website on the internet. Pinterest specializes in providing page after page of pictures of cake, anorexic wedding dresses, and sunsets with poorly pasted pseudo-inspiring Helga font text. This has proven a problem for stay at home mom, Salanfork. Six year old Kateluuh Salanfork said, "Mommy, mommy, mommy, MOM!" Kateluuh received only monosyllabic ooh's or huh's to comfort her cries.

Pinterest is a privately-held, venture-backed social media internet site with no financial, emotional, legal or homosexual ties with MentalDuctTape.

Heterosexuals Take to the Streets to Protest Marriage

Washington, D.C.-Angry heterosexuals arrived in force today in a unique turn of events on the marriage debate. Gregor Justbud head of the National Alliance to Kill Egalitarian Domestic Unions or NAKED-U spoke to a large crowed of mostly men in unhappy relationships: "We all face pressures, social, familial, and economic to pursue marriage. We are here today to say not any more.  We heteros deserve the same right to avoid marriage as do our gay brethren." His statements received a resounding grumble from the tens of individuals in attendance. Justbud continued, "When my girlfriend asks me if I ever want to get married, its unfair that I have to have that uncomfortable conversation where I talk about how I feel. I have to avoid telling her that I am just biding my time until someone better comes along. No one should have to do that, not in my America. My gay friend Gary, he doesn't have to talk about these things with his significant other Ronnie. Why? Because they get to live in a state where their marriage is illegal. That is discrimination and we will not stand for it." The crowed responded with a few claps. Some stoners cheered near the back of the audience but they were confused by a mix up with a medicinal marijuana legalization rally nearby.

The movement is not without detractors as Gregor's long term girlfriend Anitas el Naranja stood in the sidelines looking perturbed. She later stated, "I can't believe Greg turned his refusal to talk about our relationship and his feeling into a political movement." She was last seen walking away from the protest and hailing a taxi cab. While NAKED-U has not released any numbers on membership, the official spokesman said that their membership is growing. When pressed for plans the organization had for the future, the spokesman cut off the interview and stated, "We are not committed to anything and now is not the time to talk about the future. I need to go get a beer with my buddy but we can talk later, honey. I promise."

Ugly Woman Ugly on the Inside Too

Corona, CA - In an affront to the cliche about book covers, local resident Mayry Hyman is not just a normal ugly person. Ms. Hyman has been deemed by most people she befriends, meets, talks, or has any type of interaction with, as a terrible person on the inside as well. While most people walking past Mayry only see her large protruding forehead, asymmetric eyes, gummy smile, and Dorito Tan, others who have had the pleasure of talking to her, will find that she is a raciest, sexist, foul mouthed, whore. Calvin McJohnston, a local bag boy at the Luck 7 Gold Happy mini-supermarket, describes her as "a miserable walking trash heap of emotionally and physically abusive human waste." McJohnston continued, "when I first saw her I thought she might be nice since she gummed a smile at me from underneath her gigantic cro-magnon skull. While physically repulsive she seemed like she might be a kindhearted mutant of some sort." McJohnston declined to discuss the interaction further except to say it involved him 'crying, being smeared, hopefully, just in fecal matter, and some psychiatric treatments.'

Ms. Hyman declined to comment on her condition, but did shout out several racially offensive terms while applying another layer of spray-on-tan.

Space Shuttle Endesvour Dunrkenly Lands at LAX After Nation Wide Pub Crawl

Los Angeles International Airport - The space shuttle Endeavour nearly crash landed at LAX on Friday after a nation wide pub crawl.  The week long bender started in Florida at a Blue Moon tavern near Kennedy Space Center. Making various stops at seedy bars and dance clubs, Endeavour tried to use his falling fame to "pick up chicks and party with supermodels."

"I've been to space bitches. Bring on the hooch." Endeavour would shout as it toured various monuments throughout the southwest United States. As a few spectators came to the White Sands Test Facility in New Mexic to see the shuttle in the air for the last time Endeavour shouted, "Hey baby wanna see my retractable arm. It's 300 feet long. Let me just open my bay doors." Many spectators noted that they had not seen a civil servant retire with such insatiable hedonism since bill Clinton. 

Endeavour reminisced in between body shots and gave into tears when he stated, "The first time you go into space, man, you look at the earth and you are just awestruck at the like beauty of your home planet, man." When asked why the shuttle was now retiring, Endeavour stated, "The twenty-fifth time you go to space, you're bored with just doing loops around the planet. I'm like, f___ this shit. I'm going to the moon! I'm the motherf___in space shuttle. I go where I want. Let's have another boilermaker."

Endeavour dancing and on drugs at an El Paso night Club.

In another incident, Endeavour cleared out an El Paso dance club by shouting on the dance floor, "I'm going out with a bang. Just like the Challenger." Some patrons were seen crying in rage and disgust as they left the club.

Although Endeavours speeches have proven to be less and less coherent on the four day tour, the shuttle did sober up enough to leave Edwards Air force Base on time. But, en route to Los Angeles International the shuttle discovered the in-flight mini bar on board the modified 747 and quickly sank into an alcoholic stupor

Originally scheduled to arrive in Los Angeles on Thursday Endeavour demanded a detour to Tijuana and evidently smoked 4.2 metric tons of marijuana. "I used my afterburner to light that shit. I f___in' got the whole town high. I'm the motherf___in space shuttle. "

Endeavour was then detained by customs for a few hours for trying to cross the border with 8.6 million pounds of uncut heroine stored in the secondary bay. NASA Officials used long standing political connections to pay a fine and avoid jail time for the shuttle. 

Endeavour is now staying at a United Airlines hangar to be repaired and prepped for transport to its final home at the California Science in Downtown Los Angeles. Experts speculate Endeavour may also be receiving treatment for alcohol dependence and an STD.

Hologram Tupac Gunned Down in Possible Gang Related Shooting

New York, NY-After an amazing comeback concert at the Coachella Valley Music Festival and a successful tour with West Coast rapper Snoop Dogg, holographic Tupac Shakur was killed in a hail of virtual gun fire. At approximately 10:22pm last Saturday, the holographic rapper was shot six times while leaving a club in New York. Computer and lighting technicians were called to the scene but were unable to revive him beyond a command prompt, even after a reboot. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

When news of his virtual death was released on Sunday his album sales skyrocketed. Also, many fans mourned his passing with flowers placed outside the club. Some were virtually inconsolable.

Coincidentally, an album with all new material will be released next week. And Tupac Shakur's program manager said there is a plan to release six more in the next year.

One fan who had just asked for an autograph before the murder said he heard Tupac say "Not again...101100111010!" before shutting down.
No arrests have been made although, a holographic Suge Knight was downloaded for questioning. No bystanders were hurt in the shooting although one holographic bodyguard suffered minor data corruption.

90 Percent of Local Man's Conversation is Old Movie Quote's

Chicago, IL-In his soft shuffle to the ever widening aperture of madness, Roddy McDoubter, pulls from his encyclopedic knowledge of old films to communicate in social situations. While attending the 'Flash Mixer' at the Greater Chicago Rotary Club, McDoubter was seen conversing almost entirely with movie quotes. As he approached a loose collection of likeminded individuals, an anonymous member of the group asked him “How’s it going today?” McDoubter retorted with “I’m the king of the world” to the wet slickness of much eye rolling.  Un-phased acquaintance Marabella Ronches asked “How is your Mom? Is she still in the hospital?” The response was not well received as McDoubter spoke in a poor cockney accent “Don’t bury me, I’m not dead yet!” An uncomfortable and possibly psychotic laugh followed.

A psychiatrist and eavesdropping ‘Flash Mixer’ attendee commented that he had never seen such behavior but likened the condition to a classic social fallback. “Roddy may be using horribly clichéd movie lines as some may use humor in a defense mechanism, but Roddy isn’t funny or entertaining. It’s kinda just sad.”  The unnamed psychiatrist then grimaced as he heard McDoubter exclaim “You had me at hello.” McDoubter’s face looked as if he as just eaten a sour candy or lemon.

Marabella Ronches stated later, after excusing herself from the group McDoubder had parasitically attached, “When I first met McDoubter I thought he was just a big movie buff.  Now that I think about it, he may have had a stroke or aneurysm that, like, deleted all his conversational ability.”

One close friend to McDoubter said “I asked him about the way he talked, and I told him he should see a doctor because what if he had a condition or something.”  The friend looked around and an emotional moistness betrayed his visage. “He said ‘It’s not a tuma, It’s not a tuma at all’ in this, like, horrible Austrian accent. I mean, if he is gonna’ quote something does it have to be Kindergarten Cop.”

Aging Bar Patron Finally has Internet Thing Figured Out

Stukukie, NY--Amongst the dirty bars tools and sticky countertops of the Hanging Wagon Saloon, a lone aging man sits smoking Marlboro Reds. He has the knowing smile that comes with an epiphany of the, possibly, life changing sort. "I told you Ace," he calls out the the bartender polishing short tumblers and staring blankly at the wall. "I told you I'd figure it out. This whole damn Internet thing. It is like a phone but not. It does more, but you can't talk on it." He takes another sip from his Jim Beam, neat. "You see I used to think it was like the game 'telephone' we used to play. You tell someone something and then they say it and then someone else." he grumbles, coughs and then takes another scorching drag and slowly puffs smoke out his nose in blue curls and let's it linger.

"I told you, You can't smoke here Rustin." the bartender comments unchanging his blank facial stare. Rustin Fingerburger has become known as the first self-proclaimed senior citizen in the tri-state area that can effectively describe the purpose of the Internet. Joe, Joe, and Bob, other Hanging Wagon patrons, are all staring in Rustin's direction slack jawed with respect. "Well, tell us what it really is, please!" said one of the Joes.

"If you take a telephone and plug it into a computer" Rustin continues " then add a high voltage fiber optic to it you get computer that talk."

"Woah," said Bob "you mean the computers talk?"

"Not like you or I but, yes. And they talk to each other in pictures of your grandkids from your shiftless son." he again touts two puffs of grey blue smoke from his nose. "Ace, you got a few years under us, can you confirm what ole Fingerburger is saying?" The other Joe says.

"Porn." Ace mumbles.

"What?"

" "

"He said what!"

"The Internet is for porn" Ace said sighing and continuing the blank stare."And you gotta put the cigarette out."

" "

"No, you can use it for that, but is much more." replied Fingerburger.

"No it's not. Just porn." Ace stands still rubbing the glasses not moving or showing any signs of other action. Then Ace says, "How are you even still alive?"

The four aging men grumble to themselves and Pencilpointy finally crushes the cigarette into the sticky bar. With those condemning words, Fingerburger soon gives up, absorbs more of his Jim Beam, and declines and further discussions of the matter.

Technology: Motorola Launches New Phone Technology That Hides the Disapoinment in Your Parents Voice

Libertyville, IL - The nations third largest manufacture of consumer products has released a new technology that will revolutionize communication. Motorola Mobility announced Tuesday that the new feature called "UCallHome" will change the way you make voice calls to your parents. The technology uses enhanced digital signal processing to mask and sometimes completely eliminate the sound of disappointment from your mother and father's voice.

Motorola CTO, and thankless son, Robuel Elderjist stated, "Lets face it, our customers are a complete disappointment to their parents in almost every way, really. We can't change that. But, with the new UCallHome feature we can at least soften the grating criticism and worried but self-serving undertone of the conversations between parents and their adult children." The technology takes the depressing and shameful electromagnetic signals that come from your parents, especially your mother, and uses patented technology to analyze the signal. The signal is then rated on a scale of reactionary presets from college expulsion to grandchild birth and is processed accordingly. "The genius of the new feature is its subtlety," said Elderjist, who still has not called is mother, even though she had a bad fall last week and hurt her shin, and had to go to the doctor, and she knows he knows about the fall because she left a message on his voice machine, "The actual words that your parents say are not altered. Only the whiny tone and warbled pleas are altered causing resentful statements to sound at worst dismissive and at best encouraging."

Tech blogger 'Angela' calls her parents to tell them she is pregnant but unmarried.

.

Reaction to technology was originally skeptical. Early beta tester of the technology Rhonda McJohnston said "To be honest, the tech didn't work with my mother at first. It missed the nuanced racism of her undermining statements about how I will never find a good 'white' man if I didn't lose some weight. But after an update to the software that included the Sarcastic Undertone Engine v1.4, it locked on to my mothers speech patterns and we have been much closer since. I only dread visiting her in person now. I don't get physically ill when she calls and I've almost completely stopped calling my therapist after I talk to my mother." 

At the press conference, several unconvinced reporters asked questions like "What if I call and ask for money?" and "Will thiths help if I need to, like, "come out" to my parenths?" In a surprise demonstration, Elderjist called up his long time assistant Mary P____ and had her call her conservative mid-western father and tell him that she was not in fact engaged but only sleeping with her short time boyfriend. To the audience's delight, the conversation goes over smoothy and ends politely. Applause from the disappointing sons and directionless and thankless daughters in attendance erupted.

After the announcement Motorola stock rose a respectable 10%, but that doesn't matter because you've never held a job long enough to even think about investing. And that's why you don't have a girlfriend because you are too irresponsible and whydon'tyoucallyourmothermore?

Unaware of the Common Metaphor, Beef Bus Driver Parks in Front of TunaTown

Huntington Beach, CA - Beef Bus Cold Meat Transportation delivery driver Juanardo el Naranja was both embarrassed and confused by the rapacious laughter that occurred when he parked his vehicle in a small shopping center, Thursday. El Naranja was on his normal cured meat, cheese and out-of-date fashion magazine route when, due to road construction, he had to detour and park his van across the street from his normal delivery drop. Unwittingly, el Naranja became a living double entendre as he placed his truck in park right in front of the Tuna Town sea food reaturant and laundry-mat. "I have park here to deliver mi carne" he said, "when I see young boy like...ten y three. He laugh at me. I no! Why he laugh?"

And yet, laugh he did. Along with semi-nude model and housewife Elixabuff Salanfork who found parking the Beef Bus truck right in font of Tuna Town quite hilarious. "I can't believe that he would park there," she said still recovering from an elongated guffaw. The hysteria of the event soon took a new level as el Naranja quickly moved his quality cured meat and magazine delivery truck over one block to park in front of the local watering hole the Happy Clam.  To his dismay, the middle-school delight followed him as two youths riding skateboards pointed and laughed at the visual limerick that met them.

"I have never had such disrespect" amid the laughter of even the most respectable businness professional pedestrian walking passed, he continued "I am leaving for lunch. I will estride over to the Tamale Wagon to get my satisfaction."  A nun walking past giggled at the exclamation.

Overcome with embarrassment that soon built to into rage el Naranja yelled to the gathering crowd, "I am respectable businessman. I drove the Beef Buss into Beaverton...Oregon for many years."  Amid the increasing all out-laughter of everone near el Naranja, an eighth grade intramural basketball player shouted from the crowd. "Haha, then where did you work?"  Still making a stand for his respectable career, Mr. el Naranja stated "I satisfied many as a Hot Sausage delivery driver. Before that, I was a pressure washer in Quiverbone, Kentucky."  Soon the laughter of the mass of public walking near the scene was too much for Mr. Juanardo el Naranja an he left the scene.

In a follow up interview, el Naranja stated "I am just humble man. I no wish ill and sickness or Tom Cruise  on any peronas. I start working as delivery as young boy ten years ago for Red Hot Intercourse meat company in SexSexSex, Texas...you know where that small town is? No? It is south, southwest of Fornication, Oklahoma. Why do you giggle at me? I am a Considerable Member of my Church.  Why do all laugh at me?"

el Naranja swiftly ended the interview and has refused comment since.

Movie Review: Random Explosions with Interspersed Grunty Monosyllabic Dialog

The Internet, USA - (A guest post by fifteen-year-old Twitter junkie Chase McChaserton who mostly cut and paste results from the hash tag #random_explosions.)

Wow this movie!!! Just wow!!!!! Lol you guys coming? @[name withheld] The explosions looked so realistic I'm having flashbacks #lololol!!! Did you guys get what he said at the end, "Save the last dance for Tango!" #spoiler OMG yeah they will totally make a sequel. Don't you guys think that there was excessive murder of innocent security guards and contractors @chasethemace? Na, it was for the artistics of good explosions versus bad explosions. The good explosions kill the bad guys. And then the bad explosions scorch the good guys. #lololl.

Foolz, all you! This movie was crap but OK. I like the explosion. But there was no plot. Rt:rt: Foolz you! No there was a good story tho. @consuelotheorange sayed it best, explosion tells the story and the grunts of Tango represent the struggle of oppressed minorities struggling against oppression of the oppressv bad Man.

@[name withheld] you may say @chasethemace Is it really good? Like Pearl Harbour good? Finally, if you like explosions and a few robots Tango is the man for you. @[name withheld]

"No Fat Chicks" Bumper Sticker Totally Effective

Shafter, CA - Steven McJohnston announced that the new bumper sticker on his lifted '08 Ford F-250, is "totally effective". Mr. McJohnston spoke before a loose collection of like minded individuals confirming that he has successfully lifted his prospects for finding a suitable girlfriend by a simple last minute purchase from the Pep Boys in near by Bakersfield. McJohnston stated "so, there I was picking up some more McGuiars to polish up my baby. When I saw this 'No Fat Chicks!' bumper sticker." Those in attendance gave audible sounds of approval as he pointed out the sticker newly affixed on the late model Ford pickup. "I put is just below the FOX and No Fear stickers so even the short ones could read it." Mr. McJohnston said to an audience of cat call and an "Awe Yeah!" from his best bro Brett. When asked of the effectiveness of the new emblem on his truck McJohnston simply looked around and pressed his lips in a knowing smile and said "You see any around here?"

Further study divulges a near complete drop in the number of fat chicks in the 100 yard radius around the truck. Although more conclusive examination is needed to note the effects when said truck is near an Arby's or off-brand doughnut shop. Preliminary and anecdotal reports are labeling this effect the McJohnson Push.

Some skeptics and "haters" are attributing the effect more to the fact that he broke up with is long time girlfriend Shelly for being too fat. "She was pushing 2.5 bills!" says Scott (no last name given) while pulling on the gold chain on his neck and adjusting his flat billed cap. "I mean, seriously that's pretty cold and he ain't got any other girls around him now." Suggesting the effect may push away all available females of breeding age within the radius of study.

McJohnson claims that is not the case but produced no evidence to the contrary.

Creepy Guy Walking Behind You Most Likely to Kill You

Los Angeles, CA-Scientists have found that your most likely cause of death in the near future is the creepy guy walking behind you. A Midwestern University survey, headed by locally anesthetized statistician Dr. Hernan Hankolzaban, found that, in all probability, the hooded teen-to-mid-twenties man walking behind you will "pwoboby kiww you in du near fuwture." Dr. Hankolzaban noted the pulled over hood in hot weather, sketchy gait, and the fact that he has been 10 steps behind you for the last 3 blocks all contributed to his findings. Although race was not taken into account, Dr. Hankolzabansaid indicated that his model assumed a not-white, or non-Asian ethnicity.

The study is not without critics. Dr. Pencilpointy Sr. of the New England Journal of Statistics and Numbers stated that the likelihood of you being killed by this particular hooded individual is much closer to only ten percentile points. Instead, he figured that this person is more likely to just rob and possibly molest you. He did indicate that your more likely death would be caused by abrupt head trauma from the Metro bus that you failed to see as you were running away from your assailant.

Both experts agree that further study is necessary, but included that your untimely death is in fact near and preparations should be made accordingly.

Local Man Finds His Wife Very Attractive

Blue Moon Tavern and Grill, Seattle, WA -  Shocked friends, a few eavesdropping passers-by and the waitress all expressed disbelief when Stephenal J. Lavensusmanos disclosed his physical and highly sexual attraction to his spouse of 15 years. What started as a normal post-vocational visit to the pub, soon became a hot bed of  gossip and intrigue as Lanvensumanos  declared that he found his wife to be sexually attractive. Co-worker and fellow pub patron, Stephenal Flowerington called his claims to the court of public opinion and pressed him further for details.  Lavensusmanos unbelievably declared "Well, she began losing a little weight and began exercising, you know, taking care of herself" to the horror of his compatriots in attendance. Flowerington, then called veteran Blue Moon Tavern and Grill waitress (who claims she has heard 'like everything working here') over to provide her loose change. After hearing Lavensusmanos story she expressed her disbelief and asked "Would you ever, you know, make a move on her?" Lavensusmanos responded in the affirmative but conceded that she may be 'too hot' for him now. He then declared that after a few more drinks he may 'go all in' this evening.

In a follow up conversation the next day Lavensusmanos and Flowerington discussed his awkward and fruitless attempt to start a conversation with her the previous night. "I hung out in the kitchen 'cause I know she goes there quite often and I kept thinking about what to say."  According to his account, as his wife walked in the kitchen he got flustered and just blurted out something about the weather and laughed nervously.  She then asked him to take out the trash and check on their slumbering kids.  She may have mumbled something else while she walked away. He was not sure because he checked out her backside and got synaptically lost as she left the room. Lavensusmanos then confessed to a shameful session of semi-sober self gratification in the bathroom sink before falling asleep on the couch.

Celebrity Gossip: Bono Breaks Up with Bono

Dublin, Ireland-Aging "rocker" and activist Bono is rumored to have ended his long standing relationship with himself.  According to some close associates, including one band member, Bono has ended his 24 year long love affair with himself. Fans of Bono and U2 were stunned and some were so shocked they stopped posting about U2 for 10 god-damn seconds on Facebook and Twitter.

Speaking off the record, one long time member of U2's management team stated that she was surprised when she heard. She stated, "Bono was a bit of a loner when the band first started.  He dated some groupies but nothing serious. No one could love him the way he needed. Then, he realized the love he needed was right there with him the whole time." She later said she thought that Bono and Bono were one of few couples in 'rock n' roll' truly in love. Another associate of Bono commented that celebrity relationships are notoriously short and "Bono should be happy that it lasted 24 years." One fan stated between Facebook posts about U2, "If Bono can't love himself, what chance does anyone have at finding true love."

The rumors were almost confirmed when Larry Mullen stated in a band interview, "Things were getting rocky between them and ..." But Bono interrupted him by asking if they could stop everything and talk about Africa for just a second.  Bono then made everyone feel bad about having enough food to eat today and charged everyone $120.00 plus fees for tickets to his next concert.

Obsessive Compulsive Garbage Man Finally Finishes First Route

Yerington, NV-After a harrowing three years as a sanitation worker, Randey Salanfork finally finished his first full route. The route, comprising of 50 homes and apartment complex trash receptacles, is usually completed in a matter of hours but, due to Salanfork's condition, it took considerably longer. Diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) in his early twenties he has had little control over his need to obsessively clean and wash his hands and anything he felt may be 'tainted'. "I am burdened with my ticks...(1,2,3...wooh)...that make life more difficult but, I wouldn't call it a disability...(1,2,3...wooh)." Salanfork said. 

Salanfork was hired as a favor by Rodney Salanfork, District Manager of  Yerrington Municipal Waste Disposal and Randey's reluctant brother. He officially began his route on July 5, 2009 and spent an entire day at the first receptacle. "First, I put on my disposable latex gloves. Next I put on my bio-hazard suit with respirator. And then, I just went to town. (1,2,3...wooh)" said Salanfork. "Next, I emptied the trash can into the truck. I held my breath the whole time I was sooooo nervous. Next, next, next, I noticed not all the trash had fallen out of the bottom of the receptacle. So I got my cleanup kit and started cleaning the can....(1,2,3...wooh)." Salanfork then went into nauseating detail on how he scrubbed and polished and cleaned the filth and 'taint' out of the trash can until it shone in that evenings sunset. His trainer for the day, Bud Justbud, had to leave Salanfork behind so that he could finish the rest of the route on his own. "I felt bad leaving him there but he just seemed so happy with his mop and bucket and cleaning supplies and acids and I don't even know what" said Justbud. Justbud later  stated that he had to repeat the process on day 2 on their 2nd route, Randey stayed at the first stop and cleaned until all the 'taint' was gone." 

Initially Randey loved his job but trouble struck when Randy realized he was not fitting in with the rest of the crew. "We started making fun of him. Often, by asking him if something had 'taint' on it.  We would say 'Hey Randey, does this look like taint to you?' and we would all laugh." Randey stated, "I thought I was getting along with the rest of the crew at the district. But then (1,2,3...wooh)...I...(2,3...wo)...I found out that they were just teasing me." Randey had discovered through an internet search on a computer with a meticulously clean keyboard that 'taint' was a double entendre.  This was a betrayal to Randey and he fell into a depression.  He pulled himself together to get to work each day but he had lost his enthusiasm. "We started feeling bad for Salad-fork so we tried to cheer him up but nothing worked." Jusbud stated dismayed. 

After completing his first full route, Randey announced his retirement. Salanfork soon fell into a deeper into sadness and secluded himself in a Lysol filled air tight bubble. "I can keep out all the germs in the world," Salanfork mused, "but I can't keep out all the hurting(...two...three...woe.)"

Study: Candy and Ice Cream Very Healthy Part of Children's Diet

Springfield,MA-Mrs. Fingerburger's kindergarten class held a news conference yesterday afternoon to announce their critical health and dietary finding. It has been called nothing short of revolutionary for the fields of medicine, nutrition, and child development. Tommy Santosandgina, kindergarten class representative, announced proudly the findings that "candy and ice queem(sic.) are necessary parts of a healthy balanced diet." These results rock the traditional nutritionist views that high caloric and high fat foods may cause health problems including diabetus and obesity. "After our academic year long study we have found that having candy, or ice cream at weast free(sic.) to five time a day, boosts energy and a-cadamic(Sic.) performance for at least five minutes after eating."

Children receive energy from health food like ice cream.

The new study also indicated that students who ate a breakfast including marshmallows or frosted cereal (or any cereal with a cartoon mascot) performed better academically. Also, the same students threw bouncy red balls much faster than kids who had to eat regular cereal. Tommy also noted that broccoli was found to be "very poisonous and should be avoided or fed to the dog under the table, if available."

Researchers disagree as to how this may effect nutrition habits in the near future because many parents traditionally think of these foods as 'junk food' or unhealthy. Nutritionist Nigel J. Happenstance said "this study completely redesigns the food pyramid model with the four new food elements to a healthy diet being: Candy, Ice Cream, Video Games and a Barbie Dream House. Traditional science doesn't even acknowledge the latter two as food. Clearly, we have much to learn."

The Surgeon General for the United States and the Unnamed Domain of His Eminence called for a complete retooling of school lunch programs. More information will be made available soon on the official Surgeon Generals website: http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/.

Most Languages I Speak are English

Op-Ed By: Consuelo The Orange (With help from Google Translate)
Halo! I am fluent in much speak of engles. You may speak and say, no. I say no. You not know from where I speak much engles. I study by read newsbooks and People magazine. Kardashian, JoLo, Tom Cruse and Holmes, you will agree? I know, ha, I know you thinking 'no eschoola where I am from' but I learn from eschoola de Ford Knox. While I make money with the cleaning I also listen with ear buddy to the news en engles.
You will think me too stupid to know what has been said but I learn new word from Quicklypedia: intonation. Ha you think the condecent is only on your mouth, but lips of the quivering lie in mouth with not a Beyonce and Jay-Z. You may not know what I say all times but with "intonation" I buy and cost the meaning from the shady.
So not all is same in breaking of new grounded words, Prince Charles and the skinny white girl. You have rich in the Nordstrom but I am have Queen Latifa in my own home. Much praise from my family and el jefe.

Low Level IT Supervisor Now in charge of 10,000 Strong Mercenary Army

Beaverton, OR - A low level IT help desk supervisor seized control of the local governments on Thursday with a 10,000 strong mercenary army in a power grab that proved successful beyond his initial plans. [Real name withheld due to pending litigation] asked that he now only be referred to as His Eminence since his appointment as Supreme High Lord of Beaverton and Surrounding Territories.

He began his political career as an IT help desk operator, was promoted to supervisor, and then quickly rose to power over the greater Beaverton area when a full standing mercenary army under contract with [Corporation name withheld do to pending litigation] fell under his control. His sudden ascension was partly due to an automatic e-mail personnel approval process while working for [company name withheld do to court order]. His Eminence was filling out a simple personnel request when, he claims, "As a joke, I filled out the form on the enterprise intranet website for '10,000 battle tested mercenaries.'  I figured Frank the GM here in Beaverton would have caught the joke and denied the request." Frank denied any involvement in the military actions performed by His Eminance, and replied no comment when pressed further. 

In an interview with His Eminence he stated, "Seriously, I was in shock when the notification came back approved. But I totally lost my shit when 10,000 soldiers showed up at the office."

The shock soon faded and the seductive euphoria of absolute, though geographically limited, power  drove His Eminence to assume command and immediately declared marshal law on the two story suburban office park in southern Beaverton. The local PD were called in but quickly surrendered when Field Sergent Thomas A. O'brienstein realized that they were seriously outgunned and outnumbered.  O'brienstein later stated "The initial call was for a hostage situation. So, we headed out guns ready but, when we arrived and found a full standing army encampment., there was not much we could do..."  O'brienstein and his men later joined His Eminence and his mercenary army when he offered better pay and promised not put up with 'bullshit from Mayor Doyel.'
 With local law enforcement subdued His Eminence expanded his reach to include the the tri-city area of Hillsboro, Tigard and the rest of Beaverton.  The National Guard was soon called in by state authorities but due to lack of funding and fighting 2 wars in Afghanistan and Iraq they sued for peace instead of risking further military resources.
His Eminence later admitted, "I used a combination of tactical skills that I acquired from playing World of Warcraft and negotiation modeled after Captain Picard of Star Trek TNG.  I pretty much got what I wanted once I told them that I planned to have a small elitist power base that would crush the underprivileged and poor. I  really just modeled my regime after the current US government. Now, I have almost absolute power over the entire tri-city area."  He later promised to rule with a "Firm but just hand." 

Only history will tell if a dictatorship can survive in the middle of the United States pseudo-democratic oligarchy.

Wife Finds Man's Porn 'Stash

Tehachapi, CA-Local resident Lehman Santosandgina was surprised by his wife last Tuesday afternoon with new accusations of having a secret life. As Carroll Santosandgina was cleaning the couple's modest bedroom, she began dusting the side table next to the bed. "Suddenly this hairy object fell from underneath the side table drawer." Mrs. Santosandgina said, "At first I thought it was a spider, you know, one of those big scary ones.” To her relief it did not move and she realized that it was not in fact an over-follicled arachnid. "I picked it up and in the light I realized there was sticky material on the back" she stated to her sister-in-law Vassel McDoubter who happened to visiting that day, delivering Mary Kay products. She showed it to McDoubter and, after careful examination, properly identified it as a fake mustache.

"It was a thick one" McDoubter later stated, "like what was popular in the '70's and 80's...or something that a cop would have.” The fake mustache sat untouched on the kitchen table as Mrs. Santosandgina began to wonder why her husband would have something like this. "At first I thought it was a definite sign he was cheating on me. But I thought that it didn't make any sense.". Later she admitted that he thought that her husband may have a fantasy about reliving his college years, wanted to be a fireman, a cop or some other civil service.

It was not until Mr. Santosandgina was almost home that she finally figured it out. "We had rented this really poor production value pornographic video a few weeks back. It was just dreadful. The main character...Ivan Yacinov or something like that... had this really thick mustache that Lehman kept mentioning and admiring. "

When Lehman Santosandgina did finally arrive home he knew something was amiss as he entered the narrow threshold of the living room. ”She had this air about her that she only gets when she's really mad" Sandtosandgina stated, "I just didn't want to hear it so I tried to ignore it until I saw my 'stash sitting on the table"

In the end, the couple is closer now because of the incident. “Lehman confessed to me that he had always wanted to be a police officer but when he entered his teens and early 20's he was never able to grow the nice thick mustache that the men in blue wear so proudly. I felt bad for him really.”Mrs. Santosangina says. “I threw that worthless costume prop away and decided to grow my own,” Lehman says proudly, “WHAT!? No I have not been drinking chocolate milk. Why do you ask?”


Editors Note: The Santosanginas filed for divorce on April 2nd citing irreconcilable differences. In a post interview, Carroll Santosangina stated “I just can't be married to a half-man freak who cant grow facial hair.”


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