Idiot Savant Really Just an Idiot

Farefield, ND - Local residents were shocked and dismayed when it was announced that Regenal van der Hymen was not the talented savant painter experts believed him to be. Van der Hymen attained fame six years ago when an unnamed art speculator saw some of his work displayed at the Wedgewood Psychiatric Hospital. The speculator immediately purchased several of Hymans avant guard paintings and began displaying them in art galleries and truck stops in the lower Farefield area. Van der Hymen, who is unable to speak in complete sentences or use the restroom unsupervised, quickly rose to fame as the premier modern painter in the tri-county area.

Van der Hyman's unique style captivated the upper middle class art world of Farefield with stark images of stick figures with horseshoes for hands and short legs with no feet. "His work really touched my soul" said Finkey McDoubter who admitted to paying upward of 6 figures for 2 pieces of his work. "The horseshoes, as I was led to believe, represented so many aspects of human society that they could not be named" she continued "I can't believed I spent all my hard earned money on this junk. Do you know how much Mary Kay I have to sell to get that money back?"

While van der Hymen agreed to be interviewed, the interview was unable to take place due to injuries received in a hospital restroom. His publicists did state "Regenal wishes to express his apologies for anyone who may have purchased his painting under false pretenses. Well, actually he just kept repeating 'mommy pee pee, mommy pee pee' but I was assured by hospital staff that is what he meant".

Several residents have filed lawsuit against van der Hyman, who's net worth is estimated to be around 4 million packing peanuts. "Packing peanuts are his hobby" stated Menuelo Ronches, an orderly at the hospital, "He collects, studies and sometimes eats them. He's obsessed really".

After a whirlwind of brief fame and searing controversy, van der Hyman has settled back into his normal routine of painting in the grassy fields of Wedgewood and spending his afternoons masterbaiting in his hospial bed. When asked reciently if he regrets the past he simply replies "Fango man, breakin' the house, dooba doobie." Truer word have not been spoken.

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Report: American Children Have Highest Unemployment Rate Since Great Depression

Washington, DC - The US Department of Labor released sobering statistics highlighting the sorry state of the economy Tuesday morning. According to the latest reports, American children face the highest unemployment rate since the Great Depression of the 1930's. Many are quick to point fingers to government polices that make it difficult to employ minors for productive periods of time. Many experts say that it is just additional signs that the economy is falling further into a recession. With the announcement of this news, representative Gary Fingerlitingburg of Alabama has introduced a new bill to congress. "Today I would like to announce the 'No Child Gets a Free Ride' Act.

After the announcement, President Obama addressed a group of 1st Graders at Salsbury Elementary in Akron, Ohio. "In todays global economy, we cannot rest on our laurels. In China you can get children to manufacture products for under 1 dollar a day. The government will not sit idle in this time of crisis, but neither should you. That is why I am requesting an additional $500,000,000 from Congress to help Americas businesses employ children. At a dollar a day, that will help 5 million children work for 100 days. Or 5 children for 100 million days, I mean, I'm no economist but you get the idea."

Little Timmy "Half Face" Maloneinsiein expresedd his concers. "Hey, I work two paper routes just so I can pay for my dialysis. I'm no slouch, but I don't want the government interfering with how I spend my time." Jimmy Erikjorsen, a 5th grader who also works a paper route, (and another job he was unable to talk about) stated, "My father is a stinkin' wino, so I have to work 2 jobs just to make enough money so my mom can score enough dope. Then she doesn't get angry and beat me. But I'm not looking for handouts."

Some children have been able to get by relying on the allowances from their parents. This helps many youths but the US still has a higher child unemployment rate than most developing countries. Some children have looked for manual labor. Some children are resorting to mowing lawns for neighbors but many are being edged out by adult illegal immigrants. In fact, some reports show indications that illegal immigrant children may actually have a lower unemployment rate than youths who grew up in the US.

Tommy Bewnocker a local 10 year old said, "My dad is such a tight ass. He wont give me an advance on my allowance and I need to save up $20 more dollars so I can get the new Super Jack Man action figure. It would be nice if I could get a job but there is just nothing out there right now." Tommy had a good paying job mowing lawns for his neighbor Mrs. Feelyap but was undercut by a migrant worker with 7 children working with him. "Of course I wish I could afford to keep Tommy working for me, but things are so expensive now, I just had to make cuts somewhere," confessed Feelyap. "Plus, frankly, Sancho and his children do a much better job."

Even immigrants are feeling the squeeze in this economic downturn. Recent immigrant E'ban-bufunkton Ng'Lonc has found work but admits (through a Marzipanese translator), "Only one of my 6 children has been able to find work. Back in my home country, all 6 of my children were able to work in the Nike shoe factory. Land of opportunity this is not, but you do have many [cats] here."


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One iPhone Per Indigent?

Cambridge, MA - Nicholas Negroponte announced a new plan today to introduce the less fortunate to the technology they need to connect to the world.“Today I would like to announce the creation of a new non-profit organization:One iPhone Per Indigent (OiPI).The OiPI represents the collaboration of Apple Computer, AT&T, the Corporation for Something Better and some people laid-off from Radio Shack.This program will provide free iPhones and cellular service to America's homeless population”These people have no food, no home, and tattered clothing.At least they should be able to check e-mail and update their Facebook status from the comfort of their human filth covered back alley."With a grin, Negroponte revealed the new OiPI iPhone which is a simplified and ruggedized version of the popular iPhone from Apple.

The personal communication device comes with hand crank charger, where 30 minutes of cranking will power the touch screen device for 3-5 minutes.“This device is water and urine proof and can withstand the weight of 700 aluminum cans piled on top of it.”Negroponte stated.He then described the pilot project in Tacoma, Washington where 300 randomly selected homeless persons were given these new iPhones.Local wino Stephen "the taint" Erikjorsen stated, after using the phone for several weeks:"The iPhone works ok but, I really wish it had the ability to cut and paste text...or give me a warm place to sleep and a meal that was not found in the garbage.Do you have any spare change?"

The OiPI program is not without controversy.Business Owner and Philanthropist Mitchum Wangre said, “I went to give this homeless guy a few dollars for breakfast and right as I was handing him the money his phone went off.He stopped me by putting a finger in the air and started talking to one of his homeless friends about some Twitter post from some guy called ”the taint”.I get that enough of that from my daughter”I don't need that from the lowest rung of society, too. Frack that guy” Also, former Rotary Club member Finkridge Elderjist stated “Giving homeless people cellular phones is just stupid.It makes me mad as hell that someone would do something so stupid.”

Negroponte is quick to point out that the program is not without many successes.He highlighted that, former game show host (and currently homeless) Markun Sphinian was able to Facebook the comment "spydurs" 78 times in a row while smearing his own feces on a newspaper and sticking it on a wall.“This is true multitasking at the lowest level of civilization.” Negroponte stated.“Also, don't forget about the economic benefit for all.Take Steve Balli...Banlie..Banilitfoto.He was homeless and didn't have a cent to his name.Then, Steve received a free iPhone from OiPI in March.Within 2 weeks he was running a pornographic website about pictures of woman's panties he had taken and uploaded with his iPhone.He made his first million 3 weeks later”and is considered one of the most creative, prolific, and vile pornographers in the industry.”Truly greatness can come from any social circle.

Success or failure, Negroponte says OiPI will be expanding the pilot project to nearby slums and ghettos and connecting them to the world.And, despite earlier reservations, will be offering a “buy one give one” program to help raise additional funding.

Editors Note:Steve Banilitfoto died of a self inflicted gunshot wound on May 15th.He survived by his wife Bonnie, his wife Gina, his wife Mercedes and his bitches Popo, Nunum, and Anus.


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50 Year Old Man Actually Still Born Baby

Flagstaff, AZ - Deepthawer Memorial Hospital announced on Thursday that, after a comprehensive audit of its records, former patient, 50 year old Elwood Penitravet was actually a stillborn baby born May 31, 1959.According to sources, he was switched at birth with an unidentified baby that was born healthy a week earlier.Although the medical records did not record how the switch actually occurred, some employees have expressed concerns over mismanagement.

Elwood Penitravert was unavailable for comment but sources close to him have reported that he has received the news but seems to be taking it well.Mariena Penitravert, wife and sister to Elwood, stated in a phone interview:“This has been quite a shock to the family.Elwood has always been a quiet and sedentary man but no one suspected he had actually died at birth.Marina and Elwood Penitravert had been married for 25 years but never had any children.“It's not that we didn't want to have kids.Elwood loves kids.He is so patient and mild, kids just love to crawl all over him.No, we tried. I even got tested but everything was ok.I always suspected Elwood might have something wrong with him but...well...a man had his pride, you know!”

Francis “Sickle-Cell" Benkin esq., the legal representative of Deepthawer Memorial, stated in the announcement, “Our hearts go out to the Penit...Penitra...Penitrav[ert] family and especially to Elwood himself.We will do all we can afford, hopefully, to never let this happen again, this year.”

Penitravert had been employed at the Flagstaff Creamery as a Safety Manager of Operations but, due to the recent events, was let go.Flagstaff Creamery General Manager, Ronbert Falco stated “Because of the news that has come out in recent days, we had to let Elwood go.We have strict policies on not employing dead people.Not just dead people either...the undead, robots, cyborgs, witches, and uh...Jews...uuummm..our policies were written in a long, long time ago. Damn shame to.Elwood never gave anyone any trouble. Just sat in his office and worked all day 'til his wife cam to pick him up.”

Best friend and fellow West Flagstaff High School Alumni Buddie Epsteen was shocked and saddened when he heard the news.“Elwood and I...we were two peas yes, sir. We were always playing these practical jokes like I'd stick him in the teacher's desk drawer and when she opened it he would play dead and she would freak out.Or, sometimes, I would wear this police uniform and he would lie on the ground.I would spray paint around him like it was a crime scene, with yellow tape and everything, and I would ask bystanders questions like 'where were you last night between 5-9' or 'ma'am do you own a firearm.'Boy, those were good times...GOOD times.We were such good friends but now...well things are different.You think you know a person then it turns out their hiding something like this.”

When asked if she planned to have a funeral for her husband Mariena Penitravert answered “You know, I thought about it, but then I realized nothing has really changed.He's the same Elwood I married 25 years ago.Besides, tonight is our date night and Elwood wants to take me to Chez Food, and you know what that means...Elwood might be gettin' lucky tonight.”

Recent settlement documents between the Penitravers and Deepthawer Memorial reveal that the hospital offered the family $5,000 and free lifetime prostate exams.No funeral arrangements have been made.


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I'm Mad as Hell and Can't Remember Why

Spokane, WA-Finkridge Elderjist is mad as hell. His only problem is, he can remember why. Elderjist is 82, and a former member of the Beckenhurst Rotary Club but, his anger, says Elderjist, "does not stem from his membership in said club. I think?" There are many things that bother him in this world: The price of gas, the war in Iraq, teenagers, people who drive to fast, people who drive to slow, etc. But these things 'really just annoy him.' No, Finkridge is mad for a very specific and personally offensive reason but is not sure what that reason is. "This young chap in a car almost ran me over last Thursday" said Elderjist "I got mad, but thats not it. I mean, I was a teen once. He was just in a hurry. No one got hurt." Elderjist is an active member of the local Republican Party but he said his "interest is politics comes and goes so thats probably not why" he is so mad.

"One day last week, I was watching something on TV and all of the sudden there was this scene of a naked woman." Elderjis clarified that it was only her backside but he was still frustrated with the moral decay of society. I his day, this would not stand. Surely this is what is bothering him. "No, I don't need to write a letter to the FCC. I mean, it was a beautiful backside and they show stuff like that on European TV all the time."

Finkridge "Kennedy Killer" Elderjist now lives his days in the lush gardens of Shady Tumbleweed Retirement Facility in Upper Spokane, but the questions still linger in his mind. "What was I so Mad about? I'm almost more mad that I can't remember why I was so mad. It's ridiculous!" He still hopes that he may remember. "I was so mad, at one point, I had to do something about it, but right then the Bridge Tournament was starting. You never want to miss the Bridge Tournament."

In the end, Elderjist says he may be better off. "I would probably just get myself in trouble, I still have my health and ten toes and ten finger...Hey! What happened to my little finger. Oh, someone is going to pay for this. They will pay dearly...Blood will spill for th...Oh its lunchtime! I love the rice pudding here. It reminds me of Martha's rice pudding. She made the best rice pudding with raisins and peanutbutt..."

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The Marzipan Cat Genocide

The Beginning

Marzipan is a small country in Southeast Asia that is home to a modern thriving civilization. Many wonder then, why this small island nation left its traditional peaceful roots and began a campaign of terror against our feline brethren. It all started as a simple misdiagnosis of Feline AIDS for Pedro the Ng'Lonc's family house cat. Soon after this, word spread of the infected cat and how it was put to sleep. Because of this, neighbors began to have their cats and other pets tested for this horrible disease. Once a few cats tested positive, a panic arose among the humble Marzipanese. The government stepped in to organize the disposal of the infected cats, which at the time totaled 2. But suspicion and fear spread like wildfire among the island nation's superstitious people. Neighbor turned on neighbor's cat and "Deinfection Squads" patrolled the streets in search of infected or suspected felines. In July of 2004, the government issued the "protect our pets" act limiting the freedoms of all cats and distributing feline condoms to all households. Limits on cat travel to and from the country were strictly enforced.

The Calm Before the Storm

Tensions eased as no new cases of the debilitating disease were found until March of 2005. An unprecedented 3 cases of the disease were found at the local animal shelter in Po'nuc chaluba, the country's capitol. A new wave of fear and loathing swept through the country as "Deinfection Squads" began canvassing cities and rural areas alike, in search of cats. Any stray or unleashed cat was confiscated and shipped to the "Re-deinfection Camps". These camps employed large freezers as a simplified means of testing for the disease. All cat brought to the camp were placed in a common household freezer for 24 hours, if the cat survived it did not have the disease. This was due to an incorrect interpretation of the definition for Feline AIDS and its symptoms. Almost no cats survived this horrendous camp. In May of 2005 the Marzipanese Governments passed the "Rename the Camps" Act because most felt the name for the camps was stupid. This act changed the "Re-deinfection Camps" to "Feline Re-deinfection Camps" but the killing still continued.

The Aftermath

It is estimated that over 6.3 cats were killed, frozen or otherwise exterminated in the Marzipan Cat Genocide. The genocide lasted from March of 2005 to at least June of 2005. In July of 2005 the government passed the poorly named "Oops we might have been wrong so here's some money to fix it" Act. This permanently closed and unplugged the freezer of death in the Feline Re-deinfection Camp. As well as provided the families of the cats affected by the genocide with "sticky notes of apology" the countries highest honor thingy. Ng'Lonc family head E'ban-bufunkton said during an interview "I never received a sticky note of apology...oh wait...here it is, it fell on the floor. They must have stuck it to our door and it fell off. Well, it doesn't replace Pedro, but they wrote the apology in pencil so I could erase it and use it to write my own note"

Denial (or A River in Egypt)

Although much proof has been presented about the Marzipan Cat Genocide, Some still deny that any such organized cat killing took place. Daniel Esterbaumington of the Westminster Kennel Club said "I never saw any evidence of organized feline killing, especially since I've never been to Marzipan. Besides the Marzipanese write their laws on Post-it notes. They couldn't even organize a garage let alone a feline genocide. This is just a way for cat lovers to get attention. This so-called genocide was nothing like the Dasani Dog Holocaust in the early 1960s." This issue may never be permanently settled, but the fact remains that there are many still passionate about things.


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